Nurturing Self-Esteem
Published in Suburb Magazine
“If I had my child to raise over again,
I'd finger paint more, and point the finger less.
I'd do less correcting, and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less, and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I'd run through more fields, and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging, and less tugging.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd teach less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.”
-- Diana Loomans
Self-esteem is feeling good about oneself. Good self-esteem helps children try new things, take healthy risks, and solve problems. It gives them a solid foundation for their learning and development. For children, self-esteem comes from knowing that they are loved and that they belong to a family that values them. It also comes from being praised and encouraged for the things that are important to them, and from feeling confident about the future.
Children with high self-esteem:
- Have a positive image of themselves
- Are confident
- Can make friends easily and are not anxious with new people
- Can play in groups or on their own
- Will try and solve problems on their own, but if not able to will ask for help
- Can be proud of their achievements
- Can admit mistakes and learn from them
- Will try new things and adapt to change.
We offer some tips on how parents can nurture self-esteem in their children:
1. Spend time together: Give your child some focused love and attention every day. Take them to a special place, put the spotlight on them for special occasions and normal everyday fun.
2. Develop common interests: Find something that your child values and explore it in-depth together. Many interests pass quickly but your child will remember your partnership regardless of the topic.
3. Talk together: Tell them about your childhood, tell them about your grandparents. Tell them about your job – tell them about real things, not imaginary stories. Learn to listen to them, so that they feel reassured.
4. Make physical contact: Nothing registers as deeply as a simple, appropriate hug, cuddle, or pat on the back. There is no greater reassurance of their lovability than being touched and held.
5. Tell your child often that you love them: Children do not automatically feel loved. Research has shown that affirming messages have measurable calming and nurturing effects. Develop terms of endearment. Have fun and develop your own “love codes.”
6. Treat your child as if they are the most important person in the world: Children need not just love, but also respect and understanding. You must build bridges, and not walls. Even though you may not like to respect what they choose to do, your love must always be given unconditionally.
7. Create lasting memories: As children grow and develop, they have a basic need to belong. Take out the time to establish happy childhood memories in your child’s life.
8. Celebrate uniqueness: Children thrive when the important people in their lives recognize how special they are. Create posters, scrapbooks, photo frames, and journals about them to help them grasp your appreciation of them.
9. Don’t compare your child with others: Whenever there is a situation in which comparisons are made by others, reassure your child that they are special and unique in their own way.
10. Be proud of your child: Talk positively about your child in the presence of important people in his or her life, such as grandparents, teachers, friends, etc.
Studies show that during sleep, the subconscious reviews what has been recorded all day between three and five times. But it replays what has been recorded in the last 30 minutes before we go to sleep at least 10 times. Tuck your child in with those messages of love every night!
Question
My three year old is a very fearful child. While other children of his age swing on monkey bars, glide down high slides and try out new rides in a park my little “darpok” kid goes only on a swing and moves away from anyplace where there is a crowd of kids. What should I do to make him daring?
Answer
There are many children like yours who have a heightened sense of self preservation. These children are actually more intelligent and weigh each situation with caution before embarking on it. By default they are less likely to get hurt while playing outdoor games. You should be grateful for that.
Leave your kid alone. Don’t push him to do things he is not ready to handle yet. Sometimes your insistence can put him off some activity totally. Give him time. Assist him to carry out new activities, ensuring that he does not fall. This will boost his courage. Leave him alone. You will notice he is trying out the activity gingerly and when he feels confident enough, he will surprise you.
My daughter was exactly like this and never took chances with anything that seemed remotely reckless. In fact at age three her heroic leap was a jump from the carpet to the floor. I wondered if she would ever enjoy any adventuresome activities later in life. But she grew up to go for difficult cycle and mountain treks just like her peers.
Most children till age three do not really play with other children. They may all be in the playground at the same time but are carrying out individual play. Do not concern yourself that he is not part of a group activity. Normally it is only after at 3+ that children actually start playing with each other with some bit of interaction.
None of these activities have a definite milestone. It can be a few months here and there depending upon each child.
Instead of labelling him a “darpok” or a coward you should either ignore him or after a few attempts move on to something he enjoys doing.
Finally be happy that your cautious little one is not getting into unwarranted trouble.
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