Midlife Euphoria - Day 24

Getting your second child married
 

Ten years after my first-born got married, it was time for my younger one to tie the knot.

I felt like an authority on the subject, having married one daughter before and actually penning a book about arranging weddings.

However, I had to eat a humble pie.

From the time our son-in-law put the ring on my daughter’s third finger up till the wedding day, we had precisely two months and two days. Once the date was fixed, we had to work backwards to ensure that the whole shebang is accomplished in time. I was not going to panic! 62 days is 62x24 hours x 60 minutes x 60 seconds … a lot of time!

What I did not calculate was some prior commitments that we were obligated to meet. For example, we had planned a trip to a wildlife sanctuary during this time. This was also a present for our daughter—the prospective bride—for her birthday in that month. The safari, the flight and the hotels had been booked. My first impulse was to cancel this five-day trip. But my daughter put it off by saying that this would be her last trip with us before her marriage and we should all do it. The emotional annotation worked, and we said, “Okay, what is five days? We will manage”.

But frankly, when we spotted the lions, we were euphoric, no doubt, but from somewhere deep down, a nagging voice kept shaking me up, saying, “Your daughter is getting married in a few days, shouldn’t you be doing something better than watching lions?”

In retrospect, it was a memorable trip, and we encapsulated some of those wonderful musings on celluloid.

To add fuel to the fire, my elder daughter who was visiting us with her two boys, declared that she was going to take a holiday with her husband, leaving her two boys with us. I would have been thrilled with the prospect of having both my grandchildren with me without the unnecessary interference of the parents in any other circumstances. In this case, my elder grandson aged four and a half was  amicable, but it was my year and a half younger one who was a problem. He had acute separation anxiety and during waking hours, could not bear to be away from his mother’s sight for more than a minute. Even while sleeping he needed his mother.

This declaration squashed my enthusiasm like a soda bottle from which the fizz has vanished. I tried my level best to dissuade my daughter from taking this drastic step and even went to the extent of making her talk to a psychologist friend of mine who avowed in no uncertain words that parents of children who have acute separation and stranger anxiety have no business to plan holidays without their kids. Yet, it was like beating drums in front of the deaf. She was not going to give in. It was her 10^th wedding anniversary celebration and she deserved it more than anything else in the world!

The prospect of a wailing and miserable kid on hand was bad enough, and on top of that, I was going to miss out five more days on the wedding front. Again the emotional factor played up and I gave in. 

What is five days after all? We would make up for the loss of time.

However, minutes after my daughter left after saying goodbye to all of us, there was pandemonium. It was like all hell broke loose and my amicable four and half one also joined the mayhem. OMG! What were we going to do? We were cajoling and explaining to them that mom and dad would come back in a couple of days and so forth. Suddenly, there was tranquillity. I presumed it to be a lull before a storm. But miraculously the lull lasted for the next five days. They were the epitomes of perfection. 

The little one adopted me as a surrogate mother and forgo his biological one. I cherish that time with my grandkids as the most precious. Also after this experience, a lot of theories about separation and stranger anxiety need to be looked at differently.

But to come back to my story, I lost five more precious days for the wedding preparation.

All through this time advices, proposals, suggestions and counsels for venues, decorators and designers kept pouring in from friends and well-wishers. In India, we have great bonding. The minute an announcement is made everyone pitches in to assist. The danger is when it goes over the top and you are left more perplexed than enlightened. After surrendering a week of running from pillar to post and exhausting ourselves to the point of collapse (given the road/traffic conditions in the capital), we decided to look for the paraphernalia closer to home.

But that meant we had lost another week!

February 2016 is a leap year. I was ecstatic. God had heard my prayers and we got an extra day that we had not calculated for. I have never felt such a deep sense gratitude to the historians and numerologists who computed and incorporated an extra day every four years in the month of February. And it was the February before my daughter’s marriage. Could I ask for more? One day = 24 hours x 60 minutes x 60 seconds ... a bonanza.  God, was I grateful! It was like a drowning man clutching to a straw.

The designer ensembles that we were looking at were not only exorbitant, but there was no guarantee that they would be delivered on time.

We had to narrow down to wearable outfits that would have use for more than one time and most importantly, be ready on time.

During my elder daughter’s time, she was away to the United States pursuing a master’s degree. She only came a couple of days before the wedding. I made all the decisions without much opposition. 

But in this case, my younger one was in the same town. I wanted her to be present for all important decisions. Since she was working full time, it meant waiting for her to get back from work or weekends. This further became an obstacle.

My daughter and I made a day trip to Jaipur, the land of the exotic. We were posted there for seven years and I have witnessed the most exceptional weddings there. People have a sense of aesthetics and the work they do is simply exquisite. We also know a lot of designers who are friends now and would definitely deliver in time. We bought all the material for her trousseau, gave some to be finished there, and brought the rest back with us.

I also ordered some jewellery which my friends promised to bring along at the time of the wedding. I must say that our friends of many years stood by us, organising  pickups and deliveries of things that we had ordered. They cleared our bills without a qualm and we paid them back later. Such was our support. But for them, I don’t know what we would have done.

We were extremely lucky to find a designer close to home, who was just relocating and had enough time on hand to handle our requisitions.

The story doesn’t end here! We also employed a fitness trainer to come over three times a week to get us all in shape to look our best for this special occasion. The result was that we all managed to lose a couple of inches and pounds, but the one person who was most anguished about this was was none other than our dress designer. Every time my daughter went for a trial, she had contracted a bit and the outfit would not fall well. The exasperated designer announced that she was only going to do the final fitting three days before the wedding and hand over the clothes just a day before the D-day. That kept us on tenterhooks.

My husband, being a professional hotelier, took charge of the venues, décor, menus, music, DJ, etc. Now this is where his long association and the goodwill that he had gathered showed its effects. It is like putting a drop of blue ink in a plain glass of water. Soon, the colour spreads and colours the entire water. Similarly, even after retirement his subordinates, colleagues and bosses made our event an unforgettable one with their courtesy, attentiveness and concern. Organising three functions in this short time would have been quite a colossal task.

Still there was a lot to do—the pandit (priest), mehendi walas, printing of cards, procuring addresses for posting, emailing cards along with wrapping gifts, and coordinating meals for people dropping by. For the sangeet, a choreographed program was to be performed. In the madness that was going on, this seemed like the last straw. I kept myself completely out of this predicament. On the day of the event, I was flabbergasted to see the performances put up by my girls. I had no clue that they could shake a leg so gracefully.

Not to mention, the various squabbles I was having with my daughter, the would-be bride. My concern was that she must get a little domesticated and learn the basics of cooking and housekeeping—not realizing that things were moving at a fast pace for her too. Overtly, she seemed very composed but deep in her heart, there was a lot of confusion and turmoil. I completely overlooked it as I was focused on my agenda. She was going to leave her charmed life of a comfortable home, job, friends and activities that she was used to and move into a new setup with transformed milieus.

Two days before the wedding, when we thought everything was under control, and I felt like a cat that had licked a bowl of cream, my daughter dropped a boulder. She said no one had really asked her opinion about the forthcoming wedding. She had never really given her consent. You can imagine my state. Now these statements were soley reserved for my ears. I don’t know whether to agitate my already nerve-racked mind or she was comfortable airing her own insecurity in front of me.

Was she getting cold feet? Was she testing my already ragged nerves? Or was she playing safe, in case things don’t work out, so that she could blame us for the debacle. Whatever her reason, I was fuming like an overheated pressure cooker.

This also reminded me of a similar situation during the time I was to get married. I went to deliver a card to a dear friend of mine who had just had a baby. I met her sister-in-law who was going through a difficult time in her marriage. Coincidently, her husband of ten years was also a hotelier. The minute she heard that I was going to marry a hotelier, she took off like a maniac. She demanded that I get out of the marriage ASAP. Two days before the D-day, I told her that it was an impossibility. In no uncertain words, she told me of all the pitfalls of getting married to a guy working in a hotel—long hours, no time for the family, busy 24x7, etc. She gave me that “I warned you” look before I took a hasty retreat.

Aside, now we have been married for over 35 years but there were numerous occasions when I thought of her well-meant counsel.

Anyhow, we overcame that obstacle quickly as it was just another ploy to annoy me. The day of the pre-wedding programs arrived. The new diamond set ordered from Jaipur arrived, brought by one of our friends the same day. It looked beautiful and I put it on my daughter with great pride. After the merrymaking of the evening, my daughter tried to remove the necklace. The clasp seemed to be stuck or else it was a new kind of setting that we were not familiar with. We struggled for an hour or so. My teary-eyed daughter said she was destined to wear this treasure for the rest of her life. I had no option but to ring up this friend in Jaipur past midnight to ask her how to disengage the necklace. She did not flinch at the unearthly hour of the call and patiently explained how to unlock the clasp.

The next two days floated by flawlessly. All our efforts bore fruit and we managed to keep to the cut-off dates.

As a child psychologist, we are constantly reminded that each child is an individual and no child development theories can be applied  to them because of their inherent uniqueness.

 
Similarly, it is impossible to replicate an event because of its out-of-the-blue situations that make it momentous.

Midlife Euphoria - Day 23

Zindigi ke safar mein mil jate hain kuch log …

Humans are social animals and they thrive when they are surrounded by people they love and who make them happy. A lot of studies have established that our wellbeing is very closely connected to our social relationships. In their research, ‘The five essential elements of wellbeing’, Tom Rath and Jim Harter state that close friendships are vital to health, happiness, and even workplace productivity.

Evidence further shows that good relationships—with family, friends and wider communities—are important for our mental wellbeing. This means feeling good about ourselves and the world around us. Building stronger, wider social connections can help us feel more secure, and give us a greater sense of purpose.

Having said this, when we are young we are tied up like a thread on a spool with the various pressures of life, like a juggler spinning various rings in the air, concentrating so hard lest he drops some. Some of these virtual rings are our jobs, caring for/raising a family, and being concerned for the elderly around us, in particular, ageing parents.

The relationships we nurture during this time are mostly need-based. For example, colleagues, subordinates, bosses, the staff that forms an integral part of one’s household. As a bonus, there are also friends for whom you can squeeze some time once in a while from your demanding agenda.

However, once in your midlife, you are comparatively unobstructed by these legitimate demands. You are as unrestricted as a baby who bursts into peals of laughter every time you say peek-a-boo. It seems like you have shaken off the shackles of the various burdens that were embracing you till now. You are like a kite flying high up in the air and even if the cord breaks you can float into unknown and mysterious realms to enjoy the excitement of the infinite.

After my husband and I retired from active work, we have connected with a lot of friends and family who till now had been marginalized. I give full credit for this to our personal inclination. However, that in itself would not have been enough without the spurt of technology and most importantly, time on hand. 

We felt that at our age, we would not be able to fit in new friends and relationships in our ambit. We were desperately hunting down old acquaintances with whom we had enchanted nostalgias. The euphoric idea of having a bunch of buddies who would dart together like a flock of birds taking fanciful flights into wonderlands whenever we desired was nipped in the bud.

Reality was a blow. It was like seeing a beautiful Humpty Dumpty balloon deflating into a sad shrivelled piece of rubber in front of your eyes. People who we had reminiscences with were scattered all over the world. Distances were a constraint and hanging out loosely every now and then, an impossibility. We considered ourselves lucky if we found a couple of them around a 25 km radius. A 25 km ride in a four-wheel drive should logically take about half an hour but it is more like an obstacle rally given the road conditions. You have to be a dexterous motorist to take on the challenges that the roads throw at you. On a double-lane road, there are four lanes and you are assigned one like an athlete who is running a sprint. If there are potholes in your track, there is no way you can avoid them as the choice is between damaging the chassis of your car or changing a lane and bumping into another vehicle, where a road rage-afflicted driver may pull out a gun to get even with you. Your navigation ingenuity is further enhanced when it is raining. The roads get flooded. You cannot see them. It looks as if you are manoeuvring a boat in a river. The difference is that you are encircled by similar boats around you. You have to keep your wits about you during times like these. Either you go behind a car and pray that he manages to cross the water body and you just go along. God forbid, he gets stuck in a "crater"—then you’ve just had it. Because of the constraint explained earlier of not being able to change lanes you are stuck by default. The consequence is the same if the car in front packs up because of water in the carbonator or the brakes.

Unfortunately, monsoons are an annual occurrence. Every year we talk about the poor drainage system of the roads and promptly forget about it after the rains. As a result, despite the 100% predictability of flooding, we do little about it.

I have experienced GPSs in the west, wherein they tell you that you will reach your destination in approximately 12 minutes, and believe it or not, it is accurate most of the time. But in our metropolitan cities, it is virtually impossible for any device to predict this timeframe. The time, if specified, would have to be a range, which could be anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours! I am not joking about this. We once left home at 8 pm and reached a dinner at midnight! The pity is that there is no turning back—literally—as the traffic engulfs you like a python swallowing a full buffalo.

There goes your well planned evening with some dear friends! Your behaviour is provoked unnaturally and you are exasperated beyond recognition. Just the idea of forging another such evening sends a shiver down your spine.

While in service, we were like gypsies moving from one town to another. Most of our acquaintances were work-related people. Now after retirement, we were going to live in our own house where we had never lived before—that too, among total strangers and with no workforce binding us. I was petrified just like a first-time swimmer who is thrown into the deep side of a swimming pool without arm bands and a ring around the waist. I reconciled myself to a solitary life marooned on an island with an unfriendly and aloof neighbourhood.

What were we going to do? At the twilight of our life, the prospect of a lonely, unexciting life ahead was not promising. I felt like a bird trapped in a golden cage. All and sundry might have dismissed us as spent-out force waiting for nirvana in the peace and quiet of our comfy house in an upmarket neighbourhood. Realism: We felt completely liberated, high-spirited and ready to paint the world scarlet at our own terms, at our own pace. 

In fact, just the other day we were at the bank for some trivial work. We were standing waiting for someone to attend to us when a child barely five years of age vacated his seat for my husband. I was quite impressed till I heard him announce to his mother grandiosely, “I offered my seat to an old man.” I was shocked. Was he talking about my debonair, dashing and groovy guy, my dear husband? For a five-year old, we are really OLD. But do we feel like that? No. Honesty, I often feel I have more energy than both my daughters put together, as I am more exuberant in planning and taking on outlandish diversions.

But then I also remember going to my parents’ home when the kids were small, where I would be literally horizontal. My poor aged parents (who must be our present age) would be running around with the kids, taking them for a walk and going to the park. They would wake up at the crack of dawn to attend to them, as kids have this uncanny knack of getting up at an unearthly hour.

Consequently, I assume this unbounded élan to our superior genes. Right away, we needed a vibrant way of life to satiate this condition. But how?

On the other hand, after a few days of wandering around, we were pleasantly surprised to find many distinguished looking people with grey in their hair and a bounce in their steps. The grey in the hair didn’t seem like age alone, but the silver shone on their crown, because of the peace in their lives and wisdom that they had amassed over the years. Most of them were professionals from different walks of life, with rich experiences of the world around them.

But the problem was how to approach them. It’s like seeing a ripe mango on a branch but not being able to get it. People have a very inflated sense of self. Very often they think that taking the first step would be lowering one’s stature. It is like two sulking kids behind a bolted door behind which lies a room full of candies. They need each others’ help to reach the latch and unbolt it. They need to understand that once they unlatch the door, both will reap élan.

We decided to take that first hesitant step. What followed was beyond comprehension. After the first historic step, it was like an avalanche. Many of these people were waiting to be prodded, and once the deed was done there was no stopping. We found many common topics to discuss and various shared activities to participate in.

The people who at one time were strangers to us are now some of our good friends. We just need to walk from our house to reach them and unwind as and when required. We feel closer to them than many of the acquaintances we have known over years. We share common concerns in the community and find solutions to solve these collectively. This also is a great binding force.

As we get older, we have many common concerns that connect us. The apprehension of ageing parents, settling children in their fields, compassion for grandchildren, travel, fitness and health are some of the common issues that find a clarification if you share them with others who are also finding solutions for the same. It is nice to know other peoples’ point of view. If you find a health issue difficult to accept, it is good catharsis to talk to someone about it. You’ll be surprised by the number of people who may also be battling with similar complaints. Some may have conquered it with exercise, diet or some alternative medical procedure. It gives you hope to cope with your own condition and you don’t feel victimized.

So the first fallacy that most of us live with—it is difficult to cultivate new healthy relationships at the dusk of your life—has definitely been proved wrong in our case. We not only have a lot of people around our house who we feel very comfortable with, we also have a set of newfound friends in our little hill home where we like to spend the summer. They are like relatives with whom we celebrate everything together like a large family. 

A little about this newfound family that we have acquired in the hills: These are about 100 people who migrate to a small hamlet in the hills every summer. The local population is not more than 50,000 people. The only thing that binds us is our close proximity for these precious couple of months in the summer. In the little village, there are no distractions, like concerts, theatre, shopping, movies or fancy restaurants. By default, we keep bumping into each other while at walks (there are only two trails) or purchasing local groceries. Life is simple and the town is a couple of miles away. As soon as one hears of someone planning a trip to the town, no one hesitates to hand over their list of exotic fares to them—cheese, coco powder, tonic water, and tomato juice to make Bloody Marys, etc. First of all, you learn to take nothing for granted, and when you see your coveted cheese after a fortnight of longing for it, your excitement is almost as palpable as winning the T-20 match against Pakistan.

We are cut off from our families. The medical facilities are minimal and as mentioned, provisions are limited. Nonetheless, if someone has an unexpected guest or an emergency of any kind, everyone pitches in with house help, food stuff, medicines and transport, making their house available to accommodate the overflow of visitors. All celebrations are common and if you have a guest, he or she is welcomed by the entire community. This bonding is extraordinary. These were people we had not known all our lives and just during the sunset of our lives, we have get along with them like a house on fire.

Isn’t that incredible? 

The reason is that this relationship comes without any past baggage. We don’t want to get into each other’s life. Everyone is savouring the moment, living in the present and valuing each minute. The present becomes the past the next day, and we have a treasure to reminisce about after each summer.

We are blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives. They enrich our lives and are an inspiration to us. I feel people and the healthy relationships that we have formed in our lives and will continue to form are our biggest strengths and treasures. These people keep our sanity intact. The positivity that emits from them keeps us healthy and happy. My advice to everyone is to surround yourselves with optimistic, positive and happy people in order to ensure a happy life.

You can find such people at any age. My personal experience is that as you get older you are a better judge to sense such people, and even if you have to make the first move to get acquainted, don’t restrain yourself. You will be the benefactor in the long run.

Do not judge anyone. Start by thinking positively about the person you meet for the first time. Bond with him at a social level. My personal experience says that if you give constructive vibes to someone and notice his positive behaviour, he will try to live up to your expectations and not want to disillusion you.

This is from personal experience from my childhood. My father was working for the government where we moved from one station to another. On arrival to the new town, we had to make arrangements for domestic staff like a gardener, cook, cleaner, etc. There were outhouses where the staff lived. In one station, we found everyone with references except a gardener. Then one was located. He was good at his work but his credentials were doubtful. He begged my father to employ him. My father, who believes in giving everyone a second chance, engaged him on the condition that any inappropriate action from him would cost him his job.

After that, he was given responsibilities and we all treated him like family. For our entire stay of 5 years in that station, he never gave anyone any reason to reprimand him. He worked unfalteringly and became one of the most trusted staff members of the team. He did not want to disrupt the trust that my father had bestowed on him. This was a lesson for me for life. If you choose to see the good in someone, the person also endeavours to live up to your expectations. On the other hand, if you envisage negative conduct in someone, he will display it at some point. You convey your feelings through your body language and take satisfaction in the end saying, “I told you so.”

It is for this reason that it is not good to judge or label anyone on first encounter. Test and try them before forming any opinion, and you will be surprised at the number of like-minded people you will discover.

However, if you find someone’s behaviour obnoxious or contrary to expectation, ease him out of your life graciously, without any ill feelings. We cannot ascertain the reasons for his/her behaviour without knowing the background. Don’t jump to conclusions or give unwarranted advice. If you have the expertise, inclination or any compulsion to meet him again, then also form an opinion after thorough investigation. There will be many other like-minded people around you who you will take to just like fish takes to water. This is the beauty of acquaintances—you can choose them and if undesirable, drop them like a hot brick.

The best part about making friends at this age is that we are not looking for a give-and-take relationship. The relationship is simply founded on collective enjoyment, engaging in high-quality time with people who stimulate you mentally and physically.

With family, you have no choice. You are lumped with them as they are blood relations. One has to learn to handle them and keep one’s interaction to the necessary limit. In this way, you can maintain a healthy distance without getting in each other’s way. Because we have expectations from the family, we have grudges. With friendship, it is as good as it goes and there are no great expectations, so the relationship is not so turbulent. In my opinion, when a blood relative becomes a friend, it is a euphoric moment.

Besides discussing collective problems, one way to bond is by doing things together. We have made many friends who are our walking friends. If you play golf or bridge, you can form an instant rapport with fellow citizens who have similar interests.

You will see how rewarding these interactions become over the years. There is a comfort value which gives immense contentment. Most of us have our close family members far away from where we live. Even in our growing years, the most important source of support is our children, but most often in times of need, they are not there—not because they don’t want to but their working circumstances don’t allow them to be around you all the time. It is these neighbourhood friends who become more than your family and a great comfort during times of stress.

In the last decade, we have met excellent people who have become an integral part of our lives. One such family is our elder daughter’s in-laws. Ever since we met them, and now a decade later, we can say with pride that they are a family who are also great comrades. We enjoy each other’s company, and have taken holidays together. We admire and learn from their strengths. They are courteous, helpful, sincere and extremely disciplined. They are particular about their diet, exercise, routine, cleanliness, organizational skills and above all, compassionate and excellent human beings. We have embraced their entire extended family as ours and feel as if they are part of ours. 

The other set of excellent people who we met recently are the in-laws of our younger daughter. Thorough professionals and extremely busy in their fields of work, they have an indomitable spirit of adventure and fun. In spite of being busy in their work, they find time to bond with friends and at any given opportunity, try out serious treks that keeps their adrenal flowing. They are a typical metropolitan family rooted in the culture of the city, active in voicing their opinion on various social issues, and well versed with cultural events in the city—living life to the full.

These cultured and sensitive people have given us sons who we never had. It is always a pleasure to meet them. We enjoy their company.