Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Day 20: Midlife Euphoria - How Dare I Have Fun!


I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps. Yes, I'm in my midlife and I think I am having the time of my life!

From the time I can recollect, we have been taught to practice restraint. Be it while emoting, spending money, or having a great time. Our folktales are teeming with allegories of overtly extravagant, gregarious individuals who were doomed. The clear message underlying the fables was to practice moderation, least the devil casts an evil eye. In some cultures, this way of life is ingrained so deeply that when one does otherwise, one actually feels guilty. If  enjoyment could be clubbed with some work, it is still acceptable, but to have pure unadultrated fun is considersed preposterous.

Our eastern philosophy has perpetuated this myth deeply into our psyche. To a certain extent, this ”holdback” has seen us through difficult times. Also in the bygone times, respecting this sentiment was important, as life was fatalistic and uncertain, with fewer choices, poor medical care, and countless factors beyond our control. No doubt this same restriction has saved us from the terrible recession the west is going through at the moment. But my question is, ”Is it fair for this check to actually impose a life sans fun, a surrender from enjoyment, relinquish a wish to buy an exorbitant dress, abandon a desire to go on a cruise, or simply forsake an urge to indulge outlandishly on oneself?”

In my opinion, if by midlife you have accumulated a considerable amount of assets, your children are well-established in their lives, you have a decent home to live in, and above all, money to spare, why should you not spend it on yourself even a bit recklessly, without your conscience playing the spoilt sport?

But, no!

From childhood, we are drilled into saving for ”a rainy day.” Our parents scrounged, scraped, and stashed all their lives to set aside a fortune that they would enjoy in their old age. Could they do justice to the hardships they bore for the comfort that they would one day reap? Sadly, some passed away leaving an inheritance for their progeny. (Needless to say, their lives’ savings would be squandered in no time by the inheritors, as I believe in the adage  ”easy comes easy goes”). Some became too frail/scared to travel or sightsee, some could not indulge in culinary delights due to medical and dietary restrictions.

The dream of living in palatial houses is dreamt by all and realized by many. This means putting in your life’s saving into an enormous asset, namely a house. Living in these giant houses with huge lawns and artifacts, looks most glamourous and stylish, but in truth, is nothing more than a golden trap. Soon you recognize that you are just custodians of this huge domain, attending to it like a slave. Cleaning, repairing, and providing security for the vast empire. All your savings are reinvested for maintenace. You are handicapped and imprisoned in your own mansion, as you are scared to leave the premises for obvious reasons.

Instead, live life king size, and prudently have enough stashed away for an emergency. Today, wealth advisors will show you how to lead joyous lives with enough to bide by in a crisis.

My husband’s company runs a wonderful program for employees who are about to retire. We attended one such seesion. It was for a week and held at Ooty. We just went to have a good time, but in the process learnt a lot.

The golden rules to a happy healthy and respectful retired life:

1)      The first rule is to maintain good health and not neglect any abnormal medical signals
2)      Invest in insurance policies that will give you security
3)      Distribute money in different ways to derive the maximum benifit from your assets
4)      How to budget, yet live, an exorbitant lifestyle
5)      Sometimes, the children are abroad and are not interested in your house/property. Some with the grace of God, are really doing well and do not need your belongings, while some children are ungrateful and do not deserve your wealth. In any of these circumstaces, you can take a reverse morgage on your house. This simply means you sell the house to a bank and enjoy the money in your lifetime, while continuing to stay there and only after you pass away, the bank will acquire the house. Marvellous! Isn’t it
6)      Living in old home communities is another option that is really catching up in our country. I think it is a brilliant concept. You have people of your age group around you, and when complaining about any aches and pains, you will get an empathatic audience, instead of scowls and exasperation from children who will seem more tired of listening about your aching body than you would be of the pain.
7)      Also you will have ample time to experiment with alternative health remedies, like yoga, meditation, reiki, gymming, etc. Not only are they beneficial for health, but make you part of a community, which is essential as you age.

Very often, we realize that as we age, our energy levels drop, we tend to get absent- minded and a bit clumsy. Sometimes, one tends to miss out words while hearing a conversation, not admitting that one is getting hard of hearing. My father-in-law had very humorous thoughts on these issues. He always said that as you age you tire easily and have a valid reason to lie on the bed and relax; when you drop something and break it, it is time to go shopping and buy new stuff. If you become hard of hearing, it is better as you ”hear no evil.”

The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of algebra.

A friend of mine in the U.S., Sukhi, popularly known as Sue, told me about  another friend of hers who works in her organization. She was promoted and the new position  required her to keep a distance from her subordinates (who were colleagues/friends till then) and not mingle with them casually. She tried it for a few days and was miserable. Her colleagues were her friends, her confidantes, and family. Distancing herself from them was cutting her off from the world that she enjoyed so far. The dilemma was whether to choose a career vs. a fun-filled future with people she loved. Finally, she realized her life’s ambition to reach the top was to ensure happiness for the future, but if the price she had to pay was renouncing a way of life she loved then it was not worth it. She refused the responsible position and embraced the charmed life she already had with the people she cared for.

This got me thinking. I have been a teaching faculty in schools for a long time. Our favourite pass time in the staff room was to tear the principal to shreads. It was cathartic and we derived great pleasure in blaming all our frustrations on the chief administrator. Many years later, I was given the position to head a school. I was thrilled, but soon realized that ”uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.” It is lonely at the top. The easy comradarie that you share with your colleagues disappears. Your job demands that you keep a distance from them, reprimand them, and sometimes, even be downright mean. It is an uncomfortable situation.

Sometimes, the pursuit of larger goals makes us ignore some basic goals that fulfil our life with joy and positive energy that give a zest to life. You have to choose what gives you happiness. Sometimes, the choices seem irrational, but look at the long-term benefits of the same.

Way back when I was much younger, I had to quit my job as the children were small. It seemed like a difficult decision at the time. But in retrospect, I travelled a lot with my husband and children and today, after two decades I can proudly say that I share a very special bond with them, and feel very enriched with my varied experiences in different places where my husband was posted – not to mention, the closeness that he and I share.

Our conditioning has been such that I find that people of my generation, even to this day, don’t know how to have fun with friends or otherwise. To quote Malcolm Gladwell of the “Blink” fame, “Go by your instinct.” Sometimes, spontaneously catching a play, going for a drive, listening to music, letting your hair down, getting wet in the first monsoon shower without saying, ‘Oh, I’m too old for this kind of thing,’ is a must do thing.

I remember when my daughters were mere babies, they would be in peels of laughter whenever I played peekaboo with them. It never failed. The unexpected always puts a smile on your face. Similarly, indulging yourself silly – be it gorging a black forest cake, late night party, dancing till your feet drop, or an extravagant cruise/holiday – is okay once in a while. Not only do we need to stimulate our brain and body, we also need to give a workout to our soul. This could be any of the above mentioned. There are people in some cultures who use gourmet food as a balm on wound. These people are happy. Food can uplift spirits and dodge depression. This does not mean we go out of control, but indulge once in a while and give your insides an aerobics feel.

I am passionate about eating and indulge without compunction, whereas a friend of mine does the same with guilt and invariably shows signs of discomfort afterward.

We kindle our mind with brain teasers, Sudoku, crossword puzzles, jigsaws, memorize long verses, etc. to ward off Alzheimer’s disease; similarly, we need to revitalize our eyes to breathtaking visual delights, our ears to invigorating sounds, our skin to rejuvenating creams, our nose to refreshing smells, and our tongues to exhilarating tastes.

All through my youth and childhood, I had suppressed so many desires. One such wish was to don a bikini. Somehow I could not put it on as at any given time; either I was too skinny or too fat. If my legs were in shape, my midriff looked out of proportion; or if my waistline was acceptable, the arms were bulging. After my daughter was married, we went to Hawaii for a holiday. I decided to put on the bikini in the exotic beaches of Hawaii with all restraint thrown to the winds. Although I was far less shapely than the numerous times when I had discarded the idea of slipping on the bikini before, I thoroughly enjoyed myself without a care about the kind of a spectacle I was making!

One of the many things,
no one tells you about aging is
that it is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.

I wanted to go to Venice and sit in a gondola, I wanted to go to outlandish Africa and see the giraffes, I wanted a quaint little summer house in the mountains where we could spend our summers, I wanted to go white-water rafting and snorkeling. All these were accomplished with the support of my husband and kids. I have the luxury to loll around in the sun on a hammock for hours, or spend an entire day with friends hanging out in shopping centers, coffee shops, or window gazing. I still want to go on a cruise, I want to go paragliding, I want to travel to other mystic lands, and I want to go to Leh … My wish list could go on and on. But it does not seem as intimidating as it did when I was younger. I had to think of the children, the house, the finances. The yearnings were there, but we never had the time to carry them out. Mercifully now, we have the time, the patience, and still the energy to follow through these desires.

We are in a very happy place now, we don’t have to worry about careers, we don’t have to plan for making money, and we don’t have to grow our families. For the first time in our lives, we can actually be selfish and indulgent, and pamper ourselves silly. For the first time, we can actually become the center of our universe. But no, we bring all our baggage of the constipated upbringing and insist on living in the past. I feel sorry for people in their fifties who have started counting the funeral chariots in their procession!
Come on guys, let’s seek fun ship!