Midlife Euphoria day 18

Midlife Euphoria day 18

                       

He was getting old and shaky
and his weight was falling fast,
and he sat around the TV
Telling stories of the past.

Of the travels that he once loved
and the deeds that he had done,
in his exploits with his buddies;

They were remarkable, every one.

And though sometimes to his neighbors
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they knew where of he spoke.

But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For our father has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For a remarkable soul died today.

He won't be mourned by many,
just his children and his wife.

His family and his friends,
for he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.

He held a job and raised a family,
going quietly on his way;
and the world won't note his passing,
'Though a grand old man died today.

I remember in one of my earlier chapters I have mentioned casually that with the bio clock ticking, midlife is the logical time when one loses a parent and also how one is mentally prepared for the imminent. How wrong was I?

I lost my dad a few days back. He was ailing, he was getting weaker, he was 81, the impending end was evident but when it happened we were all traumatized beyond anticipation.

It is not only the heartache of losing a parent but also your inability to fill the void for the surviving spouse and being able to share the added social, financial and emotional responsibilities of the so far happy-go-lucky son.

There are many issues that we take for granted when parents are around. I remember an incident vividly, when I had just started driving independently. I was over confident about my skills with the car, while my husband being a cautious sort always disapproved my so called lack of prudence. Dismissing his concern as irrational I took the car out for a joy ride on the first opportunity when he was out of station on work. To my horror while reversing the vehicle I rammed it into a pillar. I was safe but the rear of the car looked like a bull had smashed into it. The sight sent a shock wave through my entire body. I did not want to see the mocking expression on my husband’s face when he said,” Didn’t I tell you?”

What did I do? I just picked up the phone and dialed my dad’s number and blurted out,

 “Dad I have banged the car. Please have it repaired before Sanjay returns day after.” My father seemed concerned about my well being and when he learnt I was OK, promptly had the car picked up and had it fixed in one and a half days. Till date I had never bothered to ask him how he did it. Dad was always a guaranteed life saver.

Another time we were posted out of Delhi and we saw an advertisement for an apartment in Delhi. It was the last date to pay the initial amount. How could we do this? Again I just picked up the phone and told my dad, “Dad, we want to invest in this particular property and today is the last day. Will you do it for us?”

It was done. The fail-safe father in action once again. It was much later I realized how Herculean a deed it must have been to have mustered up the finance and fulfill other requirements at such a short notice and not disregard the fact that the specified place was miles away from my parent’s house.

At his funeral my entire childhood flashed through my mind and I recalled the wonderful times I spent with my energetic and vivacious father.

I remember my first visit to Bombay. He was an early riser and I would be his accomplice in any adventurous quest. We decided to accompany the fishermen in their dinghies for an early morning fishing expedition. It was fascinating to see the passion and the skill of the fishermen, amazing team work yet pretty scary as the commuter boats for this kind of work are not built for comfort, in short an awesome experience, if you can discount the awful smell of the fishy sea. I felt privileged to accompany my father for this extraordinary outing and keep it as one of my most cherished memories.

 He was a regular morning walker and a self taught yoga guru. Very often I accompanied him. As a teenager I used to be embarrassed when he would burst out laughing loudly without a reason or swing like a monkey on a particular branch and eat a few leaves of the medicinal neem tree every day as part of a ritual.  He would explain the benefits of each action. Then he would sit in a particular place and do his yoga routine. After a few days I noticed that a lot of people would wait for him and follow his yoga exercises. He told them he was no teacher but his self imposed disciples would insist on sitting across and imitate him. Much later when I had my two girls they loved to go with Nana for a walk as they deemed him their hero.

He taught them several Sanskrit Mantras that they could recite verbatim and which gave them an edge over the others in school. Although he was a civil engineer who topped the engineering college in his time he loved English literature and poetry. He could recite John Keats, Robert Frost, T. S. Eliot , William Shakespeare and William Wordsworth with the eloquence of a poet. Our childhood and my children’s were enriched by these riveting inputs. Both my girls majored in media studies and have a passion for literature. I thank my father for kindling this excitement in them in their growing years.

I was quite a Tom boy as child. I remember I used to play hockey, cricket and football with my brother’s friends and mind you I was good as I used to be picked up well before many boys when the captains would choose their teams. One evening I was sent back as I was told that these games were meant for boys only. I went to my father and said why I am a girl? I want to play foot ball. My dependable father came o my rescue once again. He dressed me in my brother’s shorts and shirt and tied my hair up as short turban. He then told me to go out and play. The boys had no choice but to include me in their team.

I am in my Midlife now. There were numerous occasions when I have taken his advice on important as well as inconsequential matters without doubting his ability to guide me. Also one is a little vary on being ridiculed seeking advice or reassurance on trivial issues especially when you have grey in your own hair. But with a father around you are assured of unconditional support.

With time the loss is sinking in. I cannot go running any more to my father to sort out the cobwebs in my head. I have to evolve to be the father now. Parents are the most precious commodity today. Their love is unconditional, their advice is invaluable, their motives are straight forward, their support is dependable. We must invest good quality time in them to soak in their virtues. They are not permanent in our lives. Hold on to them, cherish and enjoy them for as long a time as you can. We are a reflection of our parents. When they disappear we have to become the objects ourselves. It is uncanny how as time goes by, not only do we look like our parents but think, act and behave like them.

My father was my idol; I hope God gives me the strength to become as dependable a parent as my father was to me.