The Troubling Tween Age
Published in the 2014 October 2014 issue of Suburb Magazine
Teenagers, like adults, experience stress, and could very well benefit from learning stress management skills. Most teens feel stressed when they perceive a situation as dangerous, difficult, or painful and are unable to cope.
A little stress is good for performance, as it keeps the pressure on. It keeps teens alert and pushes them to strive harder. Therefore, this anxiety is welcome during stressful times like board examinations, performing for extracurricular activities, sports, etc.
Too much stress, however, can cause teens to go into a physical state of distress. As the stress depletes their brain of important chemicals needed to regulate emotion, they begin to feel physical and mental symptoms that can disrupt enjoyment of normal life.
Some common causes of stress in teens are:
* School demands leading to frustration
* High expectations from parents and teachers
* Competitive sports
* Participating in extracurricular activities
* Being overscheduled
* Not fitting in socially
* Being ahead or behind in physical development
* Family dysfunctions, such as abuse or alcoholism, separation, or divorce
* Negative thoughts and feelings about oneself
* Physical bodily changes
* Problems with friends and/or peers at school
* Social media pressures
Today's teens compare their academic performance and everything else about their lives, 24/7 through updates on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and other “new-age” modes of communication. This only adds to their stress levels, as it affords more distractions and less time to truly unplug. There’s a fair amount of social pressure around brands, expensive parties and eateries, among others.
Parents can help. That’s the good news is. However, they must respect their children’s need for space, be “guides” and refrain from providing unsolicited advice. Teens should be listened to, rather than being told what to do. The key lies in not judging their seemingly unreasonable dreams or reshaping their logic. This could actually increase their worries.
Establish limits. Parents should establish a few reasonable, consistent rules for your child. For instance if you have set up a weekly family day lunch where everyone sits and talks about their week, follow through! No phones/ gadgets /media invited. Not complying would mean direct consequences like pocket money cuts. Of course, exceptions to the rules can be made, but only in case of a serious commitment or valid reasons. Knowing that certain family rules are set in stone helps teens feel more secure. Being clear and consistent, and showing them that you trust them and expect them to do the right thing is hugely empowering and grounding for teens.
Are we pushing our kids too hard? Their schedules are filled with activities and sports after school and on weekends. This raises a question about whether parents are pushing children too hard. That we have to enrich our children's experience with every kind of lesson, sport, or club is a fallacy which backfires at a certain point. Parents should simply support their children’s involvement in sports and other social activities which interest the child.
Be a model yourself. Often parents demonstrate unhealthy coping mechanisms and live full-blown stressed-out lives themselves. Teens too grow up with this attitude, and unconsciously identify with such behavior. Instead, parents should try to be role models for their kids to emulate.
Teach them to value what they have & get. Children need to value things and learn not to take anything for granted, from a young age. For example, give them a fixed amount of pocket money. If they want something of higher value than their allowance, then they must save or work towards it, by helping with extra chores in the house, for instance.
Raise self-esteem. Parents should also work towards raising their children’s self- esteem to such a level that they stand tall even if they don’t match up to others in terms of material possessions. This has to begin at a young age and should be well established by the time they are in their teens. Parents can do this by providing unconditional love, take out time for their children, celebrate the positive, resist comparison, be empathic, provide praise, etc. In short, let your child know that you appreciate him for the unique individual that he is, he'll be more likely to value himself.
Further ways by which teens can reduce stress include:
· Exercising and eating regularly
· Avoiding excess caffeine intake, which can increase feelings of anxiety and agitation
· Avoiding recreational drugs, alcohol, and tobacco
· Learning relaxation exercises (yoga, abdominal breathing and muscle relaxation)
· Rehearsing and practicing situations that cause stress. One way is by taking a speech class, if talking in front of a class brings anxiety
· Learning practical coping skills. For example, breaking a large task into smaller, more attainable tasks
· Taking a break from stressful situations. Activities like listening to music, talking to a friend, drawing, writing, or spending time with a pet can reduce stress
· Building a network of friends who help you cope in a positive way
· Taking frequent breaks during stressful activities.
By using these and other techniques, teenagers can begin to manage stress. If a teen still talks about or shows signs of being overly stressed, a consultation with an adolescent psychiatrist or qualified mental health professional may be helpful.
Question
My 13-year old has started behaving very odd. He doesn’t like to be seen with me and hates it when I hug him. He is also becoming very disobedient, refusing to do almost anything I ask him to do.
Answer
All teenagers have an illusionary vision of their parents. They find them awkward at this stage. Peer pressure is such that they want you to look like the “best” parents. Anything less is unacceptable.
At this stage, they are also becoming conscious of the opposite sex. Hugging and kissing them especially in front of friends can be embarrassing.
In the case of disobedience, 3 approaches may help - reverse psychology, explaining consequences, and helping them make the right decision. For e.g. before a class test if your child is not preparing tell him he has the option to not study. After all, what will be the consequences? Define those well. Also, once you’ve done this ask him to make the best choice for himself. You may see that he gets down to work. Also, if he insists on not eating junk food, don’t stress. At some point tell him about the nutritional deficiencies, which may help things turn around on their own.
In fact, there is a joke about two 20-year olds discussing their parents. “They were really weird some years back, but now they seem quite cool.” Certainly, it’s the children who’ve grown up from being the “weird” teenagers that they once were to the more accepting (read ‘cool’!) adults.
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