'Haste Makes Waste'!
Published in the January-February 2015 issue of Suburb Magazine
I was shocked to hear a mother bragging about the driving skills of her 14 year old. Learning to drive is no rocket science, but it necessitates a certain amount of responsibility and discipline which only comes with maturity. It is not possible or legal to speed this process as “haste makes waste.”
It is okay to overindulge children once in a while. For instance, during holidays parents tend to “overdo” with children. But a steady diet of “excess” can create a sense of entitlement and affect their ability to learn many important life skills they need to thrive as adults.
Overindulging children is giving them too much of what looks good too soon, too long. It is giving them material things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age, interests, and talents. Often it meets the adult’s needs, not the child’s.
Doing or having so much of something does active harm, preventing children from maturing and depriving them of achieving their full potential. It hinders children from performing their needed developmental tasks and from learning life lessons.
Overindulgence includes:
1. Too many toys, clothes, activities, lessons, privileges, entertainment.
2. Over-nurturing: Excessive parental attention (hovering and smothering).
3. Soft structure: No rules, too much freedom, not teaching responsibility.
Research shows that the impact of childhood overindulgence lasts well into adulthood.
Some of the life skills missing in such adults include:
1. Interpersonal and relationship skills
2. Domestic skills
3. Mental and personal health skills
4. Money and time-management skills
5. Decision-making skills.
Some of the reasons why parents overindulge their children are that they are unsure how to discipline them and fear damaging their self-esteem. But the most startling reason why parents spoil their children is because it makes them feel good!
We offer some tips to parents on how to avoid overindulging their children:
1. Ask yourself, “Am I doing this for my child, or am I really doing it for myself?”
2. Ask, “Am I doing something for my children that they really are old enough to be doing themselves?”
3. Hold children accountable for their behaviors.
4. Teach children to do age-appropriate chores and expect them to complete them.
5. Learn to turn down requests and set limits. Practice saying, “You have had enough for now.”
6. Teach children how to save and share.
7. Teach them to respect people and things.
8. Don’t overprotect your children by rescuing them from their responsibilities or by making excuses for them.
9. Spend time, rather than money on your children. Actively listen to their wants.
10. Teach them to distinguish between wants and needs.
Help your children learn to set goals, problem-solve, plan, and execute their dreams. Help them to key into the needs of other people, so that they can consider others’ perspective, show compassion and empathy, and give willingly.
Realize that always saying “yes” renders your child fearful, angry, confused, and directionless. Your indulgence may put his life in jeopardy if he is not suitably sophisticated, worldly wise, or mature; in other words, not ready to handle the extravagance.
Denying some of your child’s whims is essential to his/her ultimate sense of security and safety.
Healthy doses of structure, limits, and expectations lead to self-reliance, high self-esteem, and a balanced relationship between parents and children – yet an extra scoop of ice cream once in a while won’t hurt!
Question: My 5 year old daughter is spending a lot of time in front of the TV. We are a joint family, and the TV is on almost the whole day. She watches all the serials that my in-laws watch, and she also hangs around when I am watching my programs. What should I do?
Answer: TV viewing takes away the time that your child needs to develop important skills like language, creativity, motor, and social skills. These skills are developed in the kids’ first two years (a critical time for brain development) through play, exploration, and conversation. Worse, it steals away time for activities that actually develop their brain, like interacting with other people and playing. A child learns a lot more efficiently from real interaction – with people and things, rather than things she sees on a video screen.
Since your daughter is 5 and goes to school, it would be a good idea for all of you to watch TV at that time, or during her nap time. Children at this age should definitely be in bed by 8.30 pm. The elders in the family can watch all their favourite shows after that.
You can have a chat with everyone and decide to restrict TV watching time for everyone. Do take your husband in confidence about this. Once everyone realizes that it is not a conspiracy against them but for the benefit of the child, all would comply.
As a mother you have the toughest job. You are the role model for your daughter. Instead of letting your child watch TV, instil in her a habit of reading. Reading has many positive effects. Inculcate the habit of reading by reading to her. It may seem difficult in the beginning, but soon you will realize that reading gives more gratification. It opens a new world where one’s imagination, creativity, and intelligence are ignited. Gradually, you will watch how your daughter will reach out for a book rather than watch TV.
Some experts, however, believe that TV is not all that bad. They believe that viewing TV can be good if it is done in moderation, and if the program being watched is selected wisely.
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