Friendship Skills
Published in the Nov-Dec 2014 issue of Suburb Magazine
Research states that typically developing human infants begin at birth to seek ways to bond with those around them. The instinct to make a connection is the means to their survival. As helpless beings, they need to be fed and sheltered until they can care for themselves. When a baby’s attempts to communicate are ignored or misinterpreted over time, no attachment is formed and there is failure to thrive. These early instincts to cry, coo, imitate movement, and gaze are the foundation for the development of socialization skills. As humans are social animals, this instinct to connect remains an important part of the human condition. As a child matures, he/she needs to learn what behaviors will attract playmates and what behaviors will make that playmate want to continue to stay and play. These skills support the development of friendships.
Being able to make and keep friends is vital to children’s happiness and social development. However, they are not born with the complex skills needed to get along with others. These must be learned over time with lots of opportunities to be with other children and to experiment and practice social skills.
Skills needed to get along with other children require time, maturation, and lots of practice and experimentation. Some of the important ones include the following:
1. To communicate clearly what they need, want, and think.
2. To understand and control their emotions and behavior.
3. To know how to enter other children’s play, or to invite others to join theirs. Then, how to effectively sustain that play.
4. To know the complex rules of sharing and seeing its benefits.
5. To correctly “read” others’ intentions.
6. To predict how others will react to their behavior.
7. To understand what others want, feel, and need.
8. To see other people’s point of view.
Adults can play an important role in helping children learn positive strategies for social interactions with others. It is important for parents to foster positive behaviors by modeling friendship skills, such as friendly greetings, sharing, and turn-taking.
Parents can encourage cooperative play between children and their friends by noticing and commenting on specific friendship skills. Here are some examples:
1. Problem-solving: “You both worked out that problem together calmly.”
2. Being polite: “You found a polite way to ask her to wait. That was friendly.”
3. Taking turns: “You let her take a turn to use the pink paint. That was very helpful.”
4. Asking for permission: “It was friendly of you to ask if he was done with the train engine so you could play with it.”
5. Waiting: “Wow! You waited patiently to get your drink of water even when you wanted to be first.”
6. Making suggestions: “That was a helpful suggestion to your friend.”
7. Complimenting: “What a friendly compliment you gave your friend! I can tell she feels good about it because she’s smiling.”
8. Using soft touch: “You are using a gentle touch when holding your friend’s hand. That shows him you’re being kind.”
9. Caring: “I can see you really care about her ideas. You moved away when she asked you to. Looks like she feels happy about that.”
10. Sharing: “You both are using the blocks together. I can see you’re working on the same team to build.”
11. Asking for/giving help: “Great, you asked him to help you, and he is starting already! That’s what good friends do for each other.”
12. Agreeing: “You agreed with her suggestion to use the blanket to cover the teddy bears. What a friendly thing to do!”
13. Expressing feelings: “That was a friendly way to tell her that you want her to return your book to you.”
Some more tips:
1. Model pro-social behaviors (“Mama is tired, so Daddy is helping you with the homework.”)
2. Emphasize consideration for others (“Let’s help Karan wake up.”)
3. Label their positive social behaviors (“You picked up the mat. That was helpful.”)
4. Interpret other children’s intentions for your child (“He just wants to see your shirt.”)
5. Talk about how others feel in social situations (“She was happy when you hugged her.”)
6. Coach children to use words for their feeling (“Say ‘please move’ instead of pushing.”)
7. Coach them to calm themselves (Shake, run around, hug, rock rhythmically, count to 10, and take deep breaths)
8. Allow children to “own” a toy, but suggest they let others have a turn (“It’s your turn now, but when you’re done Nishant would really like a turn.”)
Question: My 3-year old is going to start playschool soon. How should I prepare him?
Answer: The child’s first school is a big event in the family. Excite him about school. Buy him an attractive bag, tiffin, or any other item that is required for school. 10-12 hours of sleep is a must for a child. He should be in bed by 8 pm the night before to be alert and really enjoy the activities of the school the next day. Ensure that he has an adequate breakfast before going to school so that he is not hungry and cranky. Lastly, reassure him that after dropping him to school, you will be there to pick him up every day. For the first few days, you can also stay back till he starts becoming more familiar with his surroundings.
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