Raising Resilient Children
Published in Suburb Magazine
Even though your natural instinct as a parent might be to run interference when you children experience turmoil, softening a blow by managing a difficult situation for them, it might be more important to cultivate attributes of resiliency in them. Then, when your children face hardships from which you can’t protect them, they won’t retreat, display needy behavior, become depressed, or cease to mature along their developmental timeline.
A resilient child recognizes a stressful event, often responds emotionally, recoils temporarily, and finally bounces back – figuring out his or her own way of managing the situation at hand.
Resilient children have a number of attributes. Some of these are:
1. Good problem-solving skills: Resilient children display an interest in finding solutions to problems rather than giving up or depending on others to manage situations for them. In other words, they are task- and solution-oriented.
2. Have an internal locus of control: Resilient children believe in their own effectiveness. Although external events may cause their problem, they assume responsibility for a solution. They do not ‘victimize’ themselves.
3. Elicit support from others: The resilient child finds a nurturing person in the family to support him or her through troubled times. It’s the right combination of independence and the ability to ask for help when needed.
4. Cultivates a hobby: When a resilient child faces turmoil, he turns to a hobby or special interest for solace. It could be anything from painting to a video game, which brings the world back into focus. Further, it also builds competency and provides a source of pride to share with others.
5. Is optimistic about life: Resiliency means faith that things will work out as can be reasonably expected, and that negative events can be surmounted.
6. Is helpful to others: The resilient child works to carry out socially desirable tasks to prevent others in the family or school from experiencing distress or discomfort.
7. Has effective communication skills: The resilient child effectively communicates problems and feelings, thus gaining positive attention, backing, and ideas from interested friends, family, and adults.
While several characteristics of naturally resilient children are innate, there are steps parents can follow to foster a bounce-back attitude in their children. From failing a test in school to facing a problem at home, these techniques can help children deal with life’s ups and downs:
1. Build emotional strength: When your child expresses fear, anger, disappointment, or sadness, identify the emotion he is feeling. Convey understanding or empathy, and stay with your child until he returns to his emotional equilibrium.
2. Build problem-solving skills: Once emotions subside, identify the problem and ask your child what he or she can do to solve the problem. Validate the child’s ideas. Offer a few suggestions but don’t dominate. Encourage your child to use his or her own resources to manage the situation, even if the solutions may seem somewhat immature.
3. Develop an internal locus of control: When your child faces a hardship, don’t victimize him or her with a “poor you” approach. Instead validate the difficulty of the situation but exude confidence that he or she can figure a way out of the difficult situation.
4. Encourage your child to elicit support: When trouble arises, tell your child to ask for help from a teacher, coach, or sibling. Then take this attribute further by prompting your child to help others.
5. Support your child’s hobbies: View hobbies as a source of pride that your child can call on when part of their world seems to be falling apart. You should work toward showing interest and assisting your child to cultivate the hobby on their own terms.
6. Offer an optimistic view of life: When problems arise, recognize them but point out any silver lining in the troubled cloud. Help your child see that things will get better in time, and that life will offer many moments of happiness once again.
7. Encourage communication: Learn to listen to your children and encourage them to express their feelings and opinions. Invite them to describe a troubling situation.
In order for children to bounce back from difficult childhood situations, it’s essential for them to have a close relationship with at least one emotionally healthy adult in or outside the family. It is up to that person to help the child gain the belief that he or she has everything necessary to be successful and overcome adversity. Children who are given responsibility at home and at school learn firsthand that they are worthy and capable. If you challenge but don’t overwhelm your child, the result is good behavioral health and resiliency.
Q. My 6-year old son was shattered on receiving the news that his beloved grandfather who lived next door to us is no more. Not only were they best of friends, he was also my son’s after-school caregiver, since both my husband and I go to work. My son cries a lot these days, and I don’t know how to snap him out of this state.
A. It is always hard to explain the mysteries of life to children. But don’t let this become like a phobia for your son. Make sure he retains and cherishes all the pleasant moments he spent with grandfather. Encourage him to talk to classmates and friends about their deceased grandparents. In this way, he will gradually be able to solve the problem of who would take care of him after school, and also overcome the grief of loss in a pleasant manner.
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