Tame Your Kids' Tantrums
Published in the June 2014 issue of Suburb Magazine
Temper tantrums are a nuisance that all parents face some time with their kids. “Terrible twos” is the dreaded age when children display this behaviour most. The psychological explanation for this is that by this age, a child’s brain has developed a lot; yet his means of expressing, his preferences and understanding of the world is still very limited.
When a child is frustrated, misunderstood or frightened, he may show signs of a tantrum. This can be manifested by screaming, squirming on the floor, stomping one’s feet, and throwing things.
A tantrum may be sparked off if the toddler is hungry, sleepy, or tired. In such a case, a conscientious parent must take action to pacify the toddler by catering to his physiological needs.
On the other hand, if a tantrum is triggered off by a parent saying “no” to some of his unacceptable demands, then the best way to deal with it is to ignore. This is not always easy to do. While the tantrum is on, the parent may feel frustrated, embarrassed, and angry all at the same time. A child will try to push the boundaries to get what he wants.
But if the child is not in any physical danger, it is best to ignore his disgraceful behaviour.
A child will try to push the boundaries to get what he wants, making the parent give in after a bit of a tussle. What has the child learnt? That after 20 minutes of screaming, parent gives in. Next time when he howls, a parent may tolerate it for thirty minutes before giving in. He has learnt to be consistent for a little longer before he gets his way. This gets them nowhere. Once a stance has been taken stand firmly by it. The interim period when behaviour is being established is undoubtedly difficult, as parents feels out of control and judged by others.
Giving in at any point is not a solution. The trick is to stick to one’s guns to achieve the goal. The child will understand that “no” means “no” is not negotiable.
I will give you a contemporary specimen of the same.
My daughter who is in the US had a baby two years back. Doctors there recommend that once the baby is 7 months old, he should be put to sleep in a separate room.
It seemed a bit harsh to indulging Indian parents like us. But she was firm. The first night, he cried for about an hour before dropping off to sleep in sheer exhaustion. The next night was about 45 minutes and the third night was less than half an hour. After that, just a bit of fuss and he would sleep. Both parents were visibly upset, but after that one agonizing week, they are in paradise.
Ever since, she continues the practice. Now, he is almost three and prefers to sleep on his own in a separate room. In fact, he tells her to leave the room so that he can sleep. The child gets his full night sleep and the parents enjoy peaceful evenings. When she visits us in India, we enjoy the whole day with our grandchild and after 7 pm, we can spend some grownup time together. It is the best of both worlds for everyone.
Query
I just had a second child. My three-year-old has suddenly become very indiscipline and throws tantrums at the slightest instance. His teachers in school are also complaining of his aggressive behaviour with other students.
When a new baby comes into the house, the elder child feels threatened and neglected. This is because he is used to the mother spending a lot of time with him. The mother now has to divide her time between the two kids, something that the elder child has not experienced before. So he feels resentful but is unable to explain why. Even though he loves the baby, he is confused about his feelings. If he wants to play with him, there is opposition from the family as he is justifiably too young. So he ends up feeling desolate and left out.
This explains his aggressive behaviour in school. You must also inform teachers about the new arrival, so that they can give him extra attention in school.
The mother should try to involve him in the baby’s day-to-day activities, like folding napkins and baby clothes, fetching bibs, making him talk to the baby, singing, and reading to him.
Also, the parent should try to do most of the elaborate baby chores like massaging, bathing, etc. when the elder one is away, so that they can devote more time to the elder one when hereturns from school.
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