Motivation is a little push to make one achieve what one
wants, a little incentive in the form of an embrace or a pat on the back. A
simple gesture like any of the above can drive children to stretch to their
optimal potential and achieve desired goals.
Indian culture is predisposed to notice misbehaviour more
than positive actions. “No” and don’t” are words we use far more often with our
children than any other. The doctrines of child psychology say that if you
ignore negative behaviour and give attention to suitable behaviour, the
negative behaviour will gradually disappear. It is much simpler to ignore an amicable
little tot engrossed in his pursuits than a little monster with ear-piercing
screams. However, if we pay no attention to the abominable behaviour it will
cease. This is of course, easier said than done.
Western culture propagates an almost reverse trend. The
child is encouraged and scolded far less, and appreciated and applauded far
more. This inculcates a positive self-esteem in the child. Every admonishment
is accompanied by a justification. Yet, abundant lenience may also be at fault.
Every culture has its own stereotypes, which take a long
time to shrug off. In recent years, one has noticed a visible shift from punitive
to liberal while dealing with children. Young children today are brighter and more
informed yet more self-centred, materialistic, and audacious than their
counterparts a generation before. It is difficult to say what the reasons for
that are. Only time will reveal the long-term merits or demerits of these
fluctuating trends.
What is the right balance? Amy Chua in her book “The Battle
Hymn of the Tiger Mother” has resolved this dilemma very appropriately.
According to her, the traditional Asian concept of punitive upbringing is as detrimental
as the western philosophy of leaving the child to chalk out his/her own way of
life. According to Chua, we need to push our children in order that they reach their
maximum potential. Practice makes perfect, and there are no shortcuts to
success. Only hard work can fulfil one’s aspirations. For the same, it is
imperative to motivate children.
Important points to keep in mind:
1.Set realistic goals. The child should be
physically and mentally capable of attaining the set goal.
2.The remuneration offered should be in proportion
with the difficulty level of the objective.
3.Reward the desired behaviour immediately after
it is achieved. Delayed incentives can confuse the child as he/she may think
that the action just before the prize was given is being acknowledged.
4.Once the desired behaviour has been learnt,
accolades should be given every now and then. This way, the child will continue
to perform well, as he/she will not know when the goodies are coming!
5.After a certain kind of behaviour has been
established, you could stop recompensing and set up new challenges for the child.
The desired behaviour will have become a habit by then and will be self-motivating.
6.If you do not have ready gifts to dole out, use
tokens which can later be exchanged for awards. I had colourful buttons that I would
present to the kids immediately after they would display some satisfactory
behaviour. Later, I would compensate them from a predefined list of goodies
depending on the number of brownie points earned.
The list went something like this:
Weekly tasksButtons earnedReward
1.Putting
shoes on the rack3Banana milkshake
2.Finishing
homework for the week5Ice cream
3.Morning and evening greeting2Reading a favourite bedtime story
4.Keeping
books and clothes in place4Watching
TV for an extra half hour
5.Helping a sibling with tasks6Buying a book of choice
You can make a list keeping your child’s preferences in
mind.
Finally, never confuse rewards with bribes, as the latter is
always more beneficial for the benefactor while the former is more advantageous
to the beneficiary.
Q: My son Nikhil is 6 years old and still wets his bed at
night. What should I do?
A: This is quite normal. Do not make him feel anxious about
it, or scold/humiliate him in front of friends. Ensure that he does not consume
any liquids before he sleeps, and make sure he goes to the toilet before going
to bed. Also, make him go to the toilet once during the night. Once he starts
enjoying the comfort of sleeping on a dry bed, it will become a habit. The
routine is in itself self-motivating. In case things do not change for the
better, it is advisable to consult a doctor.
Published in the June 2014 issue of Suburb Magazine
Temper tantrums are a nuisance that all parents face some
time with their kids. “Terrible twos” is the dreaded age when children display
this behaviour most. The psychological explanation for this is that by this
age, a child’s brain has developed a lot; yet his means of expressing, his
preferences and understanding of the world is still very limited.
When a child is frustrated, misunderstood or frightened, he
may show signs of a tantrum. This can be manifested by screaming, squirming on the floor, stomping one’s
feet, and throwing things.
A tantrum may be sparked off if the toddler is hungry,
sleepy, or tired. In such a case, a conscientious parent must take action to
pacify the toddler by catering to his physiological needs.
On the other hand, if a tantrum is triggered off by a parent
saying “no” to some of his unacceptable demands, then the best way to deal with
it is to ignore. This is not always easy to do. While the tantrum is on, the
parent may feel frustrated, embarrassed, and angry all at the same time. A
child will try to push the boundaries to get what he wants.
But if the child is
not in any physical danger, it is best to ignore his disgraceful behaviour.
A child will try to
push the boundaries to get what he wants, making the parent give in after a bit
of a tussle. What has the child learnt? That after 20 minutes of screaming, parent
gives in. Next time when he howls, a parent may tolerate it for thirty minutes
before giving in. He has learnt to be consistent for a little longer before he
gets his way. This gets them nowhere.
Once a stance has been taken stand firmly by it. The interim period when behaviour
is being established is undoubtedly difficult, as parents feels out of control
and judged by others.
Giving in at any point is not a solution. The trick is to
stick to one’s guns to achieve the goal. The child will understand that “no”
means “no” is not negotiable.
I will give you a contemporary specimen of the same.
My daughter who is in the US had a baby two years back.
Doctors there recommend that once the baby is 7 months old, he should be put to
sleep in a separate room.
It seemed a bit harsh to indulging Indian parents like us.
But she was firm. The first night, he cried for about an hour before dropping
off to sleep in sheer exhaustion. The next night was about 45 minutes and the
third night was less than half an hour. After that, just a bit of fuss and he would
sleep. Both parents were visibly upset, but after that one agonizing week, they
are in paradise.
Ever since, she continues the practice. Now, he is almost
three and prefers to sleep on his own in a separate room. In fact, he tells her
to leave the room so that he can sleep. The child gets his full night sleep and
the parents enjoy peaceful evenings. When she visits us in India, we enjoy the
whole day with our grandchild and after 7 pm, we can spend some grownup time
together. It is the best of both worlds for everyone.
Query
I just had a second
child. My three-year-old has suddenly become very indiscipline and throws
tantrums at the slightest instance. His teachers in school are also complaining
of his aggressive behaviour with other students.
When a new baby comes into the house, the elder child feels
threatened and neglected. This is because he is used to the mother spending a
lot of time with him. The mother now has to divide her time between the two
kids, something that the elder child has not experienced before. So he feels
resentful but is unable to explain why. Even though he loves the baby, he is
confused about his feelings. If he wants to play with him, there is opposition
from the family as he is justifiably too young. So he ends up feeling desolate
and left out.
This explains his aggressive behaviour in school. You must
also inform teachers about the new arrival, so that they can give him extra
attention in school.
The mother should try to involve him in the baby’s
day-to-day activities, like folding napkins and baby clothes, fetching bibs,
making him talk to the baby, singing, and reading to him.
Also, the parent should try to do most of the elaborate baby
chores like massaging, bathing, etc. when the elder one is away, so that they
can devote more time to the elder one when hereturns from school.
Published in the May 2014 issue of Suburb magazine
Teenage is undoubtedly an exciting time in life – It is a
carefree phase without much accountability.
However, ask an adolescent and you will get a completely
different story. It’s a period of great “storm and stress” in which they are
adjusting to all kinds of biological, social, and psychological changes. The
world around them is making unreasonable demands in terms of independence,
career choices, and peer pressure.
Today’s youngsters lead a virtual life. They may have thousands
of friends on Facebook but no real buddy. The bond of friendship can be put at
risk if their “contact” does not “like”/comment on their status. They may hang
out on “Google Hangouts” but in reality they are lonely.
Cell phones are their life lines. The other day, I observed a
group of students from the same college. Each one was wrapped up in his/her phone.
I have often heard parents complain that their children connect with them on
SMS or WhatsApp even when they are at home. Furthermore,
if there is a family gathering at home children remain locked up in their rooms
and parents avoid asking them to join the activities in fear of a
confrontation.
Today’s youth is turning their back on basic etiquettes and losing
the simple art of making conversation.
To deal with this problem, young people need guidance and
most importantly, a friend. Parents can fill that void by adopting some of their
methods. If children prefer to connect by email/SMS, parents should acquire the
know-how.
For instance, confiscating cell phones is not a solution. It
will make a child feel alienated from their implicit world and build a lot of
resentment against the authority figure which in most cases is the parents. A
mobile phone is no doubt, a useful gadget to assure each other’s well-being. If
you give in to their demands, let it be conditional. Based on the child’s
potential, parents can set attainable goals. This will make them work towards
achieving a reward which they will value far more.
To ensure participation of children in family events, make
them an integral part of get-togethers by assigning them key responsibilities. Teenagers
love attention and appreciation. Once they lose the inhibition, they may
actually start enjoying these gatherings.
The idea is to unlock the channels of communication – even
if it means provoking an argument! Believe me, it is better than silence. Once communication
channels are blocked, problems will only keep mounting.
If you can’t beat them, join them. Who knows, in the process
you may stumble upon a world that may transform your own lives.
It’s been two years now since the world has been grappling with the novel coronavirus. Yes, the deadly Coronavirus disease of 2019 has trailed well into 2021. Causing global social and economic disruption, devastating millions of people, who are dealing with untimely bereavements, isolation, loss of income. Not to mention the onset of mental health issues. We are at the end of our tether!
Recently, the situation in India has become grim. In a vast country with an immense population, imposing restrictions like social distancing had taken a backseat. And that was a grave mistake.
You may think there isn’t much one can do to improve the situation in the world, but we can surely start by taking small steps to keep ourselves and our homes safe. Charity begins at home! And we all need to walk the talk. We need to change a few rudimentary things in our lifestyle and go back to our wise Indian cultural practices.
There is no revolution we need to stir, all we need to do is change ourselves. The first thought that strikes us is how changing just ourselves is going to change 100 crore or one billion of us? Not only is it a laudable thought, but I am also convinced it is an achievable one.
Since this is a difficult time of the pandemic, we will focus only on those lifestyle changes at our level which will make us safer at home.
Namaste greeting
What do we do when we meet an outsider? A traditional namaste has been replaced by a handshake followed by a clumsy hug or maybe a peck on the cheek. Not to mention which cheek to go for first, creating some comedy-filled moments. Now the world acknowledges the value of folded hands—Namaste—which conveys all your feelings with poise and dignity. We should adopt it not because it symbolizes our civilization, but also because it’s the safest greeting in these difficult times.
Footwear outside
Traditionally, we (including visitors) left our footwear outside the house before entering. This isn’t the case anymore. We wear designer shoes with our designer couture. So, leaving our footwear outside is like being half-dressed. However, on our recent visits abroad, we noticed that it’s quite normal to leave your shoes outside and slip into slippers provided by the host or move about barefoot in a spic and span house. The logic behind being that the members of the family have to clean the house most times, and the parquet flooring doesn’t shine if dust falls on it. This has been picked up by the west from our culture. We should readopt this practice. Patent it perhaps?
Definitely, during the pandemic, it is essential to keep all invasions of germs, dust, and filth out. In the years gone by, it was customary for guests or any member of the household to wash their hands and feet before entering the house. We must ensure that anyone entering should remove their shoes outside and then either wash/sanitize hands. Seems difficult! You’ll be surprised how easy it will be if you bring it into practice, strictly following the rule yourself first.
Use a spoon when eating snacks
Avoid using hands to eat snacks like bhujia, peanuts, roasted chanas, etc. Use a spoon or serve all the guests in individual bowls. The same goes for serving saunf, elaichi and chooran after a meal. For the same reason, I never take the complimentary sweet saunf that is presented in any eatery after a meal.
Wash hands
Always wash your hands before a meal even if you have not stepped out. Sometimes we unconsciously touch our eyes, mouth, or nose and if there’s an infection lurking about, nip it. This should be strictly followed in every household.
Use cutlery when eating at the dining table
Eating at the table is the norm. Most of us have lost the ability to sit cross-legged on the floor. In certain circles, it’s considered chic to use hands while eating. Which is fine, but let’s not forget that in the olden days we would sit on the floor and eat with our hands, but never touched another vessel other than our own thali, as someone else would serve us.
But now if you are using your hands, you touch the serving spoon to take another helping—in the process, soiling the spoon with your saliva. I feel Indian food like chapattis should also be rolled up and the vegetable or dal should be eaten with a spoon to minimize contact with one’s hands or else after serving yourselves once, the serving dishes should be removed from the table. It may sound rude but all dieticians say that to remain healthy, one must never go for a second helping. And this should be our mantra during these terrible times.
Are napkins needed?
If we use cutlery, the use of napkins automatically becomes negligible. Westerners often kept the napkin as an adornment, hardly touching it to their mouth after a meal and almost never leaving a stain on it. Our Indian way of eating soils cloth napkins, rendering them useless for further use especially if they are light-colored.
Some curry marks are difficult to obliterate. During the pandemic, one should use disposable paper napkins if required and completely withdraw the cloth ones. It has become a norm to keep a paper napkin along with a cloth one. Table etiquette demands that you do not even touch the starched white napkin. Use the disposable one leaving the cloth one unsoiled. During this time of infection, showing off table layout is not as important as keeping oneself safe, so do away with cloth napkins.
Limit the numbers you entertain
Do not entertain more than 4-6 people (depending on the size of your living area) inside your house. As far as possible, entertain in the open—your lawn or balcony—but if indoors, ensure that at least everyone is seated 4-6 feet apart. Invariably, we maintain good social distance practices, and please forgo the photo! To fit everyone in one frame, we break the rule and invariably this is the time we talk/laugh the most in close proximity. A picture on Facebook is avoidable at this stage.
Abide and don’t complain
A lot of exploration and analysis goes into the matter before certain restrictions are imposed. Do not try to reinvent the wheel. Abide. It is easy to protest or grumble. Do it only if you have something constructive to contribute. Wear a mask if required, a double mask if needed. Wear it the way it is meant to be worn, covering your nose and mouth. Don’t just wear it on your chin. You are not doing a favor to the authorities but a service to yourself and your self-preservation.
After receiving the first shot of the vaccine, people thought they had won the battle and defeated the virus. Even after repeated announcements by health officials appealing to people to not drop their guard, you could see bazaars full of people, liquor shops overflowing with masses, large wedding celebrations, religious and political gatherings. The result was the surge of the second spike of Covid, far more dangerous than the first one.
Sneeze in your sleeve
Make small changes in your everyday habits, like sneezing into your sleeve.
Open doors with care
Open doors with your elbow, or while holding a sanitizer tissue or regular tissue.
Care in elevators
Carry toothpicks or tissues to press elevator buttons. These do not require a lot of space and can be easily disposed of, after use.
Poonam Kirpal practicing prayanam in her home (Image provided by Author)
Practice healthy habits
Starting the day with Prayanam or breathing exercises, some stretching, yoga or a brisk walk keeps you rejuvenated for the whole day. Pushing them off for later in the day can sometimes make it difficult to get to. Best to get done with them in the morning when you have more control over your time. These practices, especially yoga which originated in India 5,000 years ago, is becoming a la mode in the western world.
A full night’s sleep is a must for a healthy body
In the days gone by, we rose with the twittering of the birds and retired at dusk like them. Several studies attribute issues like the risk of a recurrent heart attack, stroke, and abnormal heartbeats, such as atrial fibrillation, leading to serious health issues including death to lack of sleep. During the pandemic, a lot of us were forced back into this tradition not out of choice but for the lack of opportunity to stay awake. With all theatres, restaurants, nightclubs, discos, pubs, and casinos shut, it was enforced confinement.
Once you get a good night’s sleep, you feel rested and calm in the day. It becomes addictive and besides your beauty sleep will keep your dark circles, puffy eyes, and headaches at bay. Soon you’ll be a slave to this miracle health mantra. Besides, it keeps stress levels low, thereby keeping immunity high. Something that’s a need of the hour these days!
Consume a lot of water
I remember as children gulping gallons and gallons of liquids, especially in the summer. There was always whey water (lassi), nimbu pani, bhel juice, aam panna, jal jeera and many colored drinks like kewra (yellow), khuskhus (green), rose (red), all made at home and roohafza, which we had with water or milk. Even if one had one drink of each, our daily hydration requirement was met.
Over the years, these natural flavors got replaced by fizzy soda drinks like Coke and Pepsi, which have their own set of adverse effects on health. They were almost addictive and took over the entire beverage industry. Also, with the excessive use of air conditioning and intolerance of heat, people tend to stay indoors and the need for hydration reduces considerably. Just drinking water when the body doesn’t seem to need it seems silly and actually one forgets to drink water. It happens to me often and my kids keep reminding me to drink water.
Water plays a very important role in our body. It takes nutrients and oxygen to our cells, flushes bacteria from our bladder, aids in digestion, prevents constipation, normalizes blood pressure, and protects our joints and tissues. So many virtues by merely drinking a 5-6 glasses of water! Just worth it. Make it a habit, and in no time, your body will start demanding water.
Eat right to build immunity
Indian cuisine is possibly among the most nutritious and balanced. Every meal of dal, sabzi, rice/chapatti, curd, and green salad takes care of our nutritional needs like proteins, carbohydrates, fats and vitamins. Masalas and herbs like turmeric, cumin, coriander, cardamoms, cloves, pepper, carom (ajwain), mustard, asafoetida (hing) and use of ginger, coriander, green chilli, tomato, garlic, onion and desi ghee that go into preparing our normal everyday food add not only a lot of flavor but also boost immunity thanks to each spice’s medicinal value. Having said this, it’s always nice to experiment with something different every now and then.
Eating out/ordering food at home should not be a norm but a diversion. Eat healthy, remain healthy. The fast food/junk food culture that we have adopted from the west makes life easy but sooner or later we will pay a price for it.
See symptoms and act fast!
If you experience even bourgeoning Covid symptoms, do something about it immediately. Isolate and get tested. If you test positive, announce it in your community. There are people who can help if you share your predicament. Take active steps to deal with the situation. To protect yourself and your loved ones, maintain an uncompromising quarantine for 14 days. Put in all your energies to overcome your situation by doing the right things. Exercise to keep the oxygen level high and take paracetamol for keeping the temperature in control. If anything goes out of control, consult a doctor for further action.
Watch your nutrition
Always, but especially during this time, take nourishing food. Often your sense of taste and smell is compromised thanks to the virus. As a result, food is unappetizing. This should not be an excuse not to eat. Do eat enough food to build immunity and get energy for the body to fight the virus.
Become as self-reliant as can be
I contacted the virus and was isolated for a fortnight. During this time, I was washing my own utensils, cleaning my bathroom, and washing my own clothes. After the first couple of days, I used to look forward to this monotonous routine. I realized my bathroom looked cleaner than before and my clothes washed by me had a sparkle that was previously missing. The whites looked whiter and the colored clothes got their gleam back.
In those 15 days, I wanted to run through my entire wardrobe to bring back the luster into my drab clothes. It’s very easy to slip back into the complacency of throwing all the clothes into the washing machine or ignoring a few lapses in cleanliness. But I resolved to look into some matters actively and taking action personally once my quarantine was over. It gives you a feeling of empowerment and self-reliance.
Ignore vaccine-related rumors
We have waited for the vaccine for a year, so why the vaccine hesitancy? Hearsay is misleading. Believe in scientists who provide research and scientific proofs in front of you. If required, certainly go for medication or any other medical intervention. But don’t solely rely on home remedies.
Stay occupied
It is very important to keep yourself suitably occupied instead of only watching the news that can be misleading and anxiety-inducing. However, keep yourself updated on the current scenario through authentic news. You can divide your time doing things you enjoy. Read, catch a film on Netflix, hear music, meditate, or pursue spiritual/religious activities if it gives you peace. You can also get crafty – tatting, knitting, crochet, painting, writing or embroidering, have their therapeutic merits.
Verify social media news
It’s critical to verify the news that you circulate within your friend’s circle via WhatsApp or any other media to avoid the spread of misinformation and falling prey to it.
Wash away!
Besides following a routine of washing personal effects, it should be a norm for everyone irrespective of whether you have contracted the virus or not to always wash your mask or handkerchief oneself. Mask sanitation should be personalized. Even children should be encouraged to do that.
Wear a mask all the time
Mask wearing at all times, even at home when you are together should be followed. Wear a double mask when stepping out of the house.
Self-groom
Learn to groom yourself instead of depending on beauty salons for pedicures, manicures, massages, threading, head massages, facials, and haircuts.
Spend less time with gadgets & electronics
Instead nurture family bonds, revel in the sounds and beauty of nature around us. During this pandemic, a lot of people have lost their dear ones. One hopes one had spent better time with them. Don’t miss this opportunity to re-establish these bonds. Over the last year, a lot of people have posted pictures of their gardens, blossoms on trees, and the changing skies. I personally enjoy the sunrises and sunsets a lot more than ever before.
Model!
Instill a sense of discipline in your children and other family members by becoming a role model.
With that said. In a strange way, perhaps the pandemic came to heal the world and its people living on the planet through harsh but valuable lessons. Human beings have plundered the earth, abused nature, oppressed our natural resources, victimized wild and marine life, and overburdened the atmosphere with toxic pollutants. The losses that we have incurred are difficult to obliterate, the lessons we have learned are difficult to ignore. The values that we overlooked need to be reinstated. Let it be a lesson for a lifetime, and not disregard it once the crisis is over.
Let us be the change we want to see.
Poonam Kirpal is a Post Graduate in Child Development from Delhi University. A freelance counselor, she has three books to her credit: ‘Fast Forward’, ‘Saccharine and a Lot of Spice’, ‘Amma’ and ‘Ma + Ma = Grandma’. You can read her blog at www.midlifeuphoria.blogspot.in
