Midlife Euphoria - Day 21

Midlife Euphoria

The Marriage Conundrum | A Time of Transition in One of Society’s Oldest Institutions

In one of my previous chapters, I have mentioned that our generation has witnessed the maximum advancement in technology and has embraced evolution with open arms. Not only are we familiar with the latest gizmos, we are actually manipulating them to our full advantage.

There is another very important establishment of society that has revolutionized its version. It is the oldest institution of civilization, namely marriage and matrimonial relationships. Our generation has had the privilege of witnessing our grandmothers married to seemingly autocratic males (our grandpas). Overtly, the men were dictatorial and pompous – It is another matter that the same high-handed males outside the house would be tame little puppies at home. The clever women got their way even then, but to be confrontational outside the house was considered inappropriate. That was a time when a woman would be seen and not heard. For the woman, the perceptive juggling of various nuances of marriage associations bore compensation only after a considerable number of years and that too if they had played their cards intelligently.

If the man was seen helping his wife in any domestic pursuits, his macho image took a beating. I remember my own father and uncles hesitating to assist in any household chores, especially in front of their mother or other relatives.

We have come a long way since then. Voicing the same, I wrote an article the link to which is:
http://littleblackbookdelhi.com/2013/02/12453/the-marriage-conundrum-a-time-of-transition-in-one-of-societys-oldest-institutions

The article is as follows:

Marriage is one of the strongest institutions that keep a family, a society and its people together. Over the years, the roles that members of a family perform have modified. No longer is the man the exclusive earning member and the wife a full-time custodian of the house. Their roles have diversified due to which they have common characteristics. There is sharing of responsibilities in what was once considered, essentially gender-based chores like child rearing, cooking, and cleaning for the woman and travel-related jobs, outstation conferences, etc. for the man.

Needless to say, to keep the institution of marriage efficacious, both the spouses have to compromise for each other constantly. In many ways, a girl still has to measure up and stretch out far more than the boy, as the prerogative to break or keep the family together most usually lies with the woman. At the time of marriage, women are far more astute, mature, and pervasive in a house than a man. By their look and persona, they can make the house a warm place for friends/relatives or mar it completely. This is an inherent quality a woman possesses, which is different from men and can only be explained by saying that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

Thanks to the fact that women have found a voice and have increasing financial security, they are not in a hurry to jump into marriage. There is no right and proper age for marriage. Girls want to be sure that their spouse is someone who is compatible and someone who she can relate to, physically and mentally. The shift is from looking up to a husband to standing equal to him like a friend.

Women have evolved more than their male counterparts. They have embraced new ways of the world copiously and now feel emancipated and worthy. Not only are they balancing their roles at home and out of the house effectively, they are also excelling in fields that were so far dominated by men.

Most men are still in a state of transition, primarily because the stereotype of a docile wife still persists among several sections of society. Thus, the perception lingers in their minds, and they rationalize it by presuming that their parents are not yet ready to embrace a liberated daughter-in-law. It would be invalid to say that all men are coping with this dilemma, even though some have actually come to terms with this development. A woman in many cases is not only an earning member, but possibly the principal wage earner, whereas the man maybe an auxiliary. Depending on the pressures at work, some men have decided to be house husbands willingly, a concept that was unheard of until a few years ago.

On the other hand, there are men who covet a progressive woman who challenges and contests them in the same way as their male colleagues. They are likely to prefer a woman who is well acquainted with the modern endeavors of the world. Nevertheless, they also tend to get intimidated by the idea of marriage. These men too seem to be in the process of consolidating their sense of self, in order to handle the changing definition of the women of today.

It is due to this discrepancy in the evolution of coherent understanding between men and women that the sacred institution of marriage appears to be a bit shaky. This phenomenon is not limited to the west, but signs of its vulnerability are apparent in our country too.

However, I firmly believe that now is a changeover period. The time has come when the foundation of a healthy matrimony will be the alliance of two equally balanced states of mind with a spirit of camaraderie to attain collective intends. Only then, beyond doubt, the institution of marriage will once again become the formidable force it once used to be.

Day 20: Midlife Euphoria - How Dare I Have Fun!

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps. Yes, I'm in my midlife and I think I am having the time of my life!

From the time I can recollect, we have been taught to practice restraint. Be it while emoting, spending money, or having a great time. Our folktales are teeming with allegories of overtly extravagant, gregarious individuals who were doomed. The clear message underlying the fables was to practice moderation, least the devil casts an evil eye. In some cultures, this way of life is ingrained so deeply that when one does otherwise, one actually feels guilty. If  enjoyment could be clubbed with some work, it is still acceptable, but to have pure unadultrated fun is considersed preposterous.

Our eastern philosophy has perpetuated this myth deeply into our psyche. To a certain extent, this ”holdback” has seen us through difficult times. Also in the bygone times, respecting this sentiment was important, as life was fatalistic and uncertain, with fewer choices, poor medical care, and countless factors beyond our control. No doubt this same restriction has saved us from the terrible recession the west is going through at the moment. But my question is, ”Is it fair for this check to actually impose a life sans fun, a surrender from enjoyment, relinquish a wish to buy an exorbitant dress, abandon a desire to go on a cruise, or simply forsake an urge to indulge outlandishly on oneself?”

In my opinion, if by midlife you have accumulated a considerable amount of assets, your children are well-established in their lives, you have a decent home to live in, and above all, money to spare, why should you not spend it on yourself even a bit recklessly, without your conscience playing the spoilt sport?

But, no!

From childhood, we are drilled into saving for ”a rainy day.” Our parents scrounged, scraped, and stashed all their lives to set aside a fortune that they would enjoy in their old age. Could they do justice to the hardships they bore for the comfort that they would one day reap? Sadly, some passed away leaving an inheritance for their progeny. (Needless to say, their lives’ savings would be squandered in no time by the inheritors, as I believe in the adage  ”easy comes easy goes”). Some became too frail/scared to travel or sightsee, some could not indulge in culinary delights due to medical and dietary restrictions.

The dream of living in palatial houses is dreamt by all and realized by many. This means putting in your life’s saving into an enormous asset, namely a house. Living in these giant houses with huge lawns and artifacts, looks most glamourous and stylish, but in truth, is nothing more than a golden trap. Soon you recognize that you are just custodians of this huge domain, attending to it like a slave. Cleaning, repairing, and providing security for the vast empire. All your savings are reinvested for maintenace. You are handicapped and imprisoned in your own mansion, as you are scared to leave the premises for obvious reasons.

Instead, live life king size, and prudently have enough stashed away for an emergency. Today, wealth advisors will show you how to lead joyous lives with enough to bide by in a crisis.

My husband’s company runs a wonderful program for employees who are about to retire. We attended one such seesion. It was for a week and held at Ooty. We just went to have a good time, but in the process learnt a lot.

The golden rules to a happy healthy and respectful retired life:

1)      The first rule is to maintain good health and not neglect any abnormal medical signals

2)      Invest in insurance policies that will give you security

3)      Distribute money in different ways to derive the maximum benifit from your assets

4)      How to budget, yet live, an exorbitant lifestyle

5)      Sometimes, the children are abroad and are not interested in your house/property. Some with the grace of God, are really doing well and do not need your belongings, while some children are ungrateful and do not deserve your wealth. In any of these circumstaces, you can take a reverse morgage on your house. This simply means you sell the house to a bank and enjoy the money in your lifetime, while continuing to stay there and only after you pass away, the bank will acquire the house. Marvellous! Isn’t it

6)      Living in old home communities is another option that is really catching up in our country. I think it is a brilliant concept. You have people of your age group around you, and when complaining about any aches and pains, you will get an empathatic audience, instead of scowls and exasperation from children who will seem more tired of listening about your aching body than you would be of the pain.

7)      Also you will have ample time to experiment with alternative health remedies, like yoga, meditation, reiki, gymming, etc. Not only are they beneficial for health, but make you part of a community, which is essential as you age.

Very often, we realize that as we age, our energy levels drop, we tend to get absent- minded and a bit clumsy. Sometimes, one tends to miss out words while hearing a conversation, not admitting that one is getting hard of hearing. My father-in-law had very humorous thoughts on these issues. He always said that as you age you tire easily and have a valid reason to lie on the bed and relax; when you drop something and break it, it is time to go shopping and buy new stuff. If you become hard of hearing, it is better as you ”hear no evil.”

The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of algebra.

A friend of mine in the U.S., Sukhi, popularly known as Sue, told me about  another friend of hers who works in her organization. She was promoted and the new position  required her to keep a distance from her subordinates (who were colleagues/friends till then) and not mingle with them casually. She tried it for a few days and was miserable. Her colleagues were her friends, her confidantes, and family. Distancing herself from them was cutting her off from the world that she enjoyed so far. The dilemma was whether to choose a career vs. a fun-filled future with people she loved. Finally, she realized her life’s ambition to reach the top was to ensure happiness for the future, but if the price she had to pay was renouncing a way of life she loved then it was not worth it. She refused the responsible position and embraced the charmed life she already had with the people she cared for.

This got me thinking. I have been a teaching faculty in schools for a long time. Our favourite pass time in the staff room was to tear the principal to shreads. It was cathartic and we derived great pleasure in blaming all our frustrations on the chief administrator. Many years later, I was given the position to head a school. I was thrilled, but soon realized that ”uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.” It is lonely at the top. The easy comradarie that you share with your colleagues disappears. Your job demands that you keep a distance from them, reprimand them, and sometimes, even be downright mean. It is an uncomfortable situation.

Sometimes, the pursuit of larger goals makes us ignore some basic goals that fulfil our life with joy and positive energy that give a zest to life. You have to choose what gives you happiness. Sometimes, the choices seem irrational, but look at the long-term benefits of the same.

Way back when I was much younger, I had to quit my job as the children were small. It seemed like a difficult decision at the time. But in retrospect, I travelled a lot with my husband and children and today, after two decades I can proudly say that I share a very special bond with them, and feel very enriched with my varied experiences in different places where my husband was posted – not to mention, the closeness that he and I share.

Our conditioning has been such that I find that people of my generation, even to this day, don’t know how to have fun with friends or otherwise. To quote Malcolm Gladwell of the “Blink” fame, “Go by your instinct.” Sometimes, spontaneously catching a play, going for a drive, listening to music, letting your hair down, getting wet in the first monsoon shower without saying, ‘Oh, I’m too old for this kind of thing,’ is a must do thing.

I remember when my daughters were mere babies, they would be in peels of laughter whenever I played peekaboo with them. It never failed. The unexpected always puts a smile on your face. Similarly, indulging yourself silly – be it gorging a black forest cake, late night party, dancing till your feet drop, or an extravagant cruise/holiday – is okay once in a while. Not only do we need to stimulate our brain and body, we also need to give a workout to our soul. This could be any of the above mentioned. There are people in some cultures who use gourmet food as a balm on wound. These people are happy. Food can uplift spirits and dodge depression. This does not mean we go out of control, but indulge once in a while and give your insides an aerobics feel.

I am passionate about eating and indulge without compunction, whereas a friend of mine does the same with guilt and invariably shows signs of discomfort afterward.

We kindle our mind with brain teasers, Sudoku, crossword puzzles, jigsaws, memorize long verses, etc. to ward off Alzheimer’s disease; similarly, we need to revitalize our eyes to breathtaking visual delights, our ears to invigorating sounds, our skin to rejuvenating creams, our nose to refreshing smells, and our tongues to exhilarating tastes.

All through my youth and childhood, I had suppressed so many desires. One such wish was to don a bikini. Somehow I could not put it on as at any given time; either I was too skinny or too fat. If my legs were in shape, my midriff looked out of proportion; or if my waistline was acceptable, the arms were bulging. After my daughter was married, we went to Hawaii for a holiday. I decided to put on the bikini in the exotic beaches of Hawaii with all restraint thrown to the winds. Although I was far less shapely than the numerous times when I had discarded the idea of slipping on the bikini before, I thoroughly enjoyed myself without a care about the kind of a spectacle I was making!

One of the many things,

no one tells you about aging is

that it is that it is such a nice change

from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful,

but being old is comfortable.

I wanted to go to Venice and sit in a gondola, I wanted to go to outlandish Africa and see the giraffes, I wanted a quaint little summer house in the mountains where we could spend our summers, I wanted to go white-water rafting and snorkeling. All these were accomplished with the support of my husband and kids. I have the luxury to loll around in the sun on a hammock for hours, or spend an entire day with friends hanging out in shopping centers, coffee shops, or window gazing. I still want to go on a cruise, I want to go paragliding, I want to travel to other mystic lands, and I want to go to Leh … My wish list could go on and on. But it does not seem as intimidating as it did when I was younger. I had to think of the children, the house, the finances. The yearnings were there, but we never had the time to carry them out. Mercifully now, we have the time, the patience, and still the energy to follow through these desires.

We are in a very happy place now, we don’t have to worry about careers, we don’t have to plan for making money, and we don’t have to grow our families. For the first time in our lives, we can actually be selfish and indulgent, and pamper ourselves silly. For the first time, we can actually become the center of our universe. But no, we bring all our baggage of the constipated upbringing and insist on living in the past. I feel sorry for people in their fifties who have started counting the funeral chariots in their procession!

Come on guys, let’s seek fun ship!

Midlife Euphoria Day 19

In anticipation on being a Grand mom!

My daughter got married a few years ago. Both my daughter and son in law are products of the modern world. Their calling is to work hard and party hard. Their life is a haze of demanding work schedules, socializing with friends, intercepted with leisure travel every now and then.  Once in a way I would gently broach the subject of children, but my wishful query would be silenced by a cold glare.

I wouldn’t say I gave up but, well I stopped ‘nagging’ as they would put it.

Then, finally after 5 years the children announced the arrival of a baby. I felt, in the least to say “on top of the world”.  

After the initial euphoria, I needed to gear up to my new role. What must one do to be a grandma?

I thought I would quickly pen down the “do’s” least I forgot some important detail.

 Before I jumped into my “wish list” my midlife wisdom provoked me into working on my “will not do list”.

I consciously wanted to omit making mistakes that my friends/relatives/parents and in laws had made in similar circumstances. But first I needed to look inward.

Going back many years when I was going to be a first time mother I was, quite confident, about my child rearing practices, especially since I have a Master’s degree in Child Development.  My confidence had been shaken twice over when I brought up my own two girls. Going by the book was a mistake.  I learnt the hard way that each child is an individual and scripts his/her own agendas, throwing your theoretical wisdom out of the window. In spite of my education in the subject I made my mistakes, learnt from them and rose above them. There were slipups, I had my low moments, and I had great highs as well. However I must have done something right as today I stand proud to be a mother of two well brought up girls. I gained from my education, my hands down experiences not discounting the advice that poured from everywhere, which at that time felt unwarranted.

  I was going to be cautious, refrain to preach, gently guide without insisting

Secondly I would not get so carried away by my excitement that I steal the thunder right from under the feet of the proud parents. They should look up to me as a source of comfort in their joyous time and not as an intruder who has come to topple their cozy apple car. It’s a great moment for all and we should rejoice whole heartedly.

Many theories change and new /improved methods of handling difficult situations have evolved over the years. My knowledge/experience is 30 years old, (Sounds really ancient).  I vowed to gain new insight into the modern child rearing and handling practices.

 I was not going to be the prototypical officious mother/mother in-law.

I was going to be a young modern-day grandmother who would be able to relate to her grandchild in spite of the generation gap, one with whom he/she would like to share secrets with. I would hold his finger when he took his first steps, I would read to him at night, I would try to give convincing replies to his innocent questions, give in to his entreaties. I would delight in his babyhood reliving my girls and may be mine too.

I would be the ideal grandma!

I closed my eyes and tried to conjure up an image of a grand mom. What I saw was a chubby, bespectacled grey haired woman on a rocking chair with yarns of wool and knitting needles.

Disturbing thought!  I looked at myself in the mirror. The image that stared at me was far-flung from it.

My “grand mom frame” would be different. I was not ready to bespectacled or willing to let the grey show in my colored tresses, and was surely not going to add extra pounds to my svelte body.

 But come what may, I was unable to shake off this picture in my mind.  

So I decided to at least take up the challenge of knitting from my vision.  I have seen my mother and grandmother knit exquisite stuff but my expertise never went beyond   the basic two stiches - knit and pearl.  

However once I made up my mind I went ahead with a bang to accomplish my mission. I looked up patterns on the internet. I started with simple designs and whenever I got stuck I would use interactive video instructions available on the net to bail me out and figure out the complicated stiches.

Lo and Behold! Before long I had completed a romper which had a complicated cable and a fairly intricate pattern. Knitting after all is no rocket science! After that there was no stopping me. I made one more layette complete with booties and a hat. Now I wanted to tackle more challenging designs. The easier ones bored me. I made berets, boots, and blankets – as if with a vengeance. It is strange that while knitting I would hear tender motherly songs playing in my head, creating a strange bond with my yet unborn grandson (as we were told it’s a boy). I felt a connection with him even before he came. I knew him, I felt him and I loved him already.

The otherwise waiting time became very easy to while. I was at peace creating one master piece after another. Then I picked up some patterns for stuffed toys and created a Papa rabbit, a joyful mama clown and a cherub baby teddy bear. After stuffing them with batting I marveled at their perfection. They stand now in a dresser full of other toys. And they do sure stand out! Not because they are superior to the others, but because every stich in them  is woven with love, warmth and blessings for her grandchild by the novice hands of a first time grand mom.

Midlife Euphoria day 18

Midlife Euphoria day 18

                       

He was getting old and shaky
and his weight was falling fast,
and he sat around the TV
Telling stories of the past.

Of the travels that he once loved
and the deeds that he had done,
in his exploits with his buddies;

They were remarkable, every one.

And though sometimes to his neighbors
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they knew where of he spoke.

But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For our father has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For a remarkable soul died today.

He won't be mourned by many,
just his children and his wife.

His family and his friends,
for he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.

He held a job and raised a family,
going quietly on his way;
and the world won't note his passing,
'Though a grand old man died today.

I remember in one of my earlier chapters I have mentioned casually that with the bio clock ticking, midlife is the logical time when one loses a parent and also how one is mentally prepared for the imminent. How wrong was I?

I lost my dad a few days back. He was ailing, he was getting weaker, he was 81, the impending end was evident but when it happened we were all traumatized beyond anticipation.

It is not only the heartache of losing a parent but also your inability to fill the void for the surviving spouse and being able to share the added social, financial and emotional responsibilities of the so far happy-go-lucky son.

There are many issues that we take for granted when parents are around. I remember an incident vividly, when I had just started driving independently. I was over confident about my skills with the car, while my husband being a cautious sort always disapproved my so called lack of prudence. Dismissing his concern as irrational I took the car out for a joy ride on the first opportunity when he was out of station on work. To my horror while reversing the vehicle I rammed it into a pillar. I was safe but the rear of the car looked like a bull had smashed into it. The sight sent a shock wave through my entire body. I did not want to see the mocking expression on my husband’s face when he said,” Didn’t I tell you?”

What did I do? I just picked up the phone and dialed my dad’s number and blurted out,

 “Dad I have banged the car. Please have it repaired before Sanjay returns day after.” My father seemed concerned about my well being and when he learnt I was OK, promptly had the car picked up and had it fixed in one and a half days. Till date I had never bothered to ask him how he did it. Dad was always a guaranteed life saver.

Another time we were posted out of Delhi and we saw an advertisement for an apartment in Delhi. It was the last date to pay the initial amount. How could we do this? Again I just picked up the phone and told my dad, “Dad, we want to invest in this particular property and today is the last day. Will you do it for us?”

It was done. The fail-safe father in action once again. It was much later I realized how Herculean a deed it must have been to have mustered up the finance and fulfill other requirements at such a short notice and not disregard the fact that the specified place was miles away from my parent’s house.

At his funeral my entire childhood flashed through my mind and I recalled the wonderful times I spent with my energetic and vivacious father.

I remember my first visit to Bombay. He was an early riser and I would be his accomplice in any adventurous quest. We decided to accompany the fishermen in their dinghies for an early morning fishing expedition. It was fascinating to see the passion and the skill of the fishermen, amazing team work yet pretty scary as the commuter boats for this kind of work are not built for comfort, in short an awesome experience, if you can discount the awful smell of the fishy sea. I felt privileged to accompany my father for this extraordinary outing and keep it as one of my most cherished memories.

 He was a regular morning walker and a self taught yoga guru. Very often I accompanied him. As a teenager I used to be embarrassed when he would burst out laughing loudly without a reason or swing like a monkey on a particular branch and eat a few leaves of the medicinal neem tree every day as part of a ritual.  He would explain the benefits of each action. Then he would sit in a particular place and do his yoga routine. After a few days I noticed that a lot of people would wait for him and follow his yoga exercises. He told them he was no teacher but his self imposed disciples would insist on sitting across and imitate him. Much later when I had my two girls they loved to go with Nana for a walk as they deemed him their hero.

He taught them several Sanskrit Mantras that they could recite verbatim and which gave them an edge over the others in school. Although he was a civil engineer who topped the engineering college in his time he loved English literature and poetry. He could recite John Keats, Robert Frost, T. S. Eliot , William Shakespeare and William Wordsworth with the eloquence of a poet. Our childhood and my children’s were enriched by these riveting inputs. Both my girls majored in media studies and have a passion for literature. I thank my father for kindling this excitement in them in their growing years.

I was quite a Tom boy as child. I remember I used to play hockey, cricket and football with my brother’s friends and mind you I was good as I used to be picked up well before many boys when the captains would choose their teams. One evening I was sent back as I was told that these games were meant for boys only. I went to my father and said why I am a girl? I want to play foot ball. My dependable father came o my rescue once again. He dressed me in my brother’s shorts and shirt and tied my hair up as short turban. He then told me to go out and play. The boys had no choice but to include me in their team.

I am in my Midlife now. There were numerous occasions when I have taken his advice on important as well as inconsequential matters without doubting his ability to guide me. Also one is a little vary on being ridiculed seeking advice or reassurance on trivial issues especially when you have grey in your own hair. But with a father around you are assured of unconditional support.

With time the loss is sinking in. I cannot go running any more to my father to sort out the cobwebs in my head. I have to evolve to be the father now. Parents are the most precious commodity today. Their love is unconditional, their advice is invaluable, their motives are straight forward, their support is dependable. We must invest good quality time in them to soak in their virtues. They are not permanent in our lives. Hold on to them, cherish and enjoy them for as long a time as you can. We are a reflection of our parents. When they disappear we have to become the objects ourselves. It is uncanny how as time goes by, not only do we look like our parents but think, act and behave like them.

My father was my idol; I hope God gives me the strength to become as dependable a parent as my father was to me.