Midlife Euphoria Day 43

 Nurturing Self-Esteem

Published in Suburb Magazine

“If I had my child to raise over again,

 I'd finger paint more, and point the finger less.

 I'd do less correcting, and more connecting.

 I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

 

I would care to know less, and know to care more.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I'd run through more fields, and gaze at more stars.

 

 I'd do more hugging, and less tugging.

 I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

 I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.

 I'd teach less about the love of power,

 And more about the power of love.”

-- Diana Loomans

Self-esteem is feeling good about oneself. Good self-esteem helps children try new things, take healthy risks, and solve problems. It gives them a solid foundation for their learning and development. For children, self-esteem comes from knowing that they are loved and that they belong to a family that values them. It also comes from being praised and encouraged for the things that are important to them, and from feeling confident about the future.

Children with high self-esteem:

• Have a positive image of themselves
• Are confident
• Can make friends easily and are not anxious with new people
• Can play in groups or on their own
• Will try and solve problems on their own, but if not able to will ask for help
• Can be proud of their achievements
• Can admit mistakes and learn from them
• Will try new things and adapt to change.

We offer some tips on how parents can nurture self-esteem in their children:

1. Spend time together: Give your child some focused love and attention every day. Take them to a special place, put the spotlight on them for special occasions and normal everyday fun.

2. Develop common interests: Find something that your child values and explore it in-depth together. Many interests pass quickly but your child will remember your partnership regardless of the topic.

3. Talk together: Tell them about your childhood, tell them about your grandparents. Tell them about your job – tell them about real things, not imaginary stories. Learn to listen to them, so that they feel reassured.

4. Make physical contact: Nothing registers as deeply as a simple, appropriate hug, cuddle, or pat on the back. There is no greater reassurance of their lovability than being touched and held.

5. Tell your child often that you love them: Children do not automatically feel loved. Research has shown that affirming messages have measurable calming and nurturing effects. Develop terms of endearment. Have fun and develop your own “love codes.”

6. Treat your child as if they are the most important person in the world: Children need not just love, but also respect and understanding. You must build bridges, and not walls. Even though you may not like to respect what they choose to do, your love must always be given unconditionally.

7. Create lasting memories: As children grow and develop, they have a basic need to belong. Take out the time to establish happy childhood memories in your child’s life.

8. Celebrate uniqueness: Children thrive when the important people in their lives recognize how special they are. Create posters, scrapbooks, photo frames, and journals about them to help them grasp your appreciation of them.

9. Don’t compare your child with others: Whenever there is a situation in which comparisons are made by others, reassure your child that they are special and unique in their own way.

10. Be proud of your child: Talk positively about your child in the presence of important people in his or her life, such as grandparents, teachers, friends, etc.

Studies show that during sleep, the subconscious reviews what has been recorded all day between three and five times. But it replays what has been recorded in the last 30 minutes before we go to sleep at least 10 times. Tuck your child in with those messages of love every night! 

Question

My three year old is a very fearful child. While other children of his age swing on monkey bars, glide down high slides and try out new rides in a park my little “darpok” kid goes only on a swing and moves away from anyplace where there is a crowd of kids. What should I do to make him daring?

Answer

There are many children like yours who have a heightened sense of self preservation. These children are actually more intelligent and weigh each situation with caution before embarking on it. By default they are less likely to get hurt while playing outdoor games. You should be grateful for that.

Leave your kid alone. Don’t push him to do things he is not ready to handle yet. Sometimes your insistence can put him off some activity totally. Give him time. Assist him to carry out new activities, ensuring that he does not fall. This will boost his courage. Leave him alone. You will notice he is trying out the activity gingerly and when he feels confident enough, he will surprise you.

My daughter was exactly like this and never took chances with anything that seemed remotely reckless. In fact at age three her heroic leap was a jump from the carpet to the floor. I wondered if she would ever enjoy any adventuresome activities later in life. But she grew up to go for difficult cycle and mountain treks just like her peers.

Most children till age three do not really play with other children. They may all be in the playground at the same time but are carrying out individual play. Do not concern yourself that he is not part of a group activity. Normally it is only after at 3+ that children actually start playing with each other with some bit of interaction. 

None of these activities have a definite milestone. It can be a few months here and there depending upon each child.

Instead of labelling him a “darpok” or a coward you should either ignore him or after a few attempts move on to something he enjoys doing.

Finally be happy that your cautious little one is not getting into unwarranted trouble.

Midlife Euphoria Day 42

 Raising Resilient Children

Published in Suburb Magazine

Even though your natural instinct as a parent might be to run interference when you children experience turmoil, softening a blow by managing a difficult situation for them, it might be more important to cultivate attributes of resiliency in them. Then, when your children face hardships from which you can’t protect them, they won’t retreat, display needy behavior, become depressed, or cease to mature along their developmental timeline.

A resilient child recognizes a stressful event, often responds emotionally, recoils temporarily, and finally bounces back – figuring out his or her own way of managing the situation at hand.

Resilient children have a number of attributes. Some of these are:

1. Good problem-solving skills: Resilient children display an interest in finding solutions to problems rather than giving up or depending on others to manage situations for them. In other words, they are task- and solution-oriented.

2. Have an internal locus of control: Resilient children believe in their own effectiveness. Although external events may cause their problem, they assume responsibility for a solution. They do not ‘victimize’ themselves.

3. Elicit support from others: The resilient child finds a nurturing person in the family to support him or her through troubled times. It’s the right combination of independence and the ability to ask for help when needed.

4. Cultivates a hobby: When a resilient child faces turmoil, he turns to a hobby or special interest for solace. It could be anything from painting to a video game, which brings the world back into focus. Further, it also builds competency and provides a source of pride to share with others.

5. Is optimistic about life: Resiliency means faith that things will work out as can be reasonably expected, and that negative events can be surmounted.

6. Is helpful to others: The resilient child works to carry out socially desirable tasks to prevent others in the family or school from experiencing distress or discomfort.

7. Has effective communication skills: The resilient child effectively communicates problems and feelings, thus gaining positive attention, backing, and ideas from interested friends, family, and adults.

While several characteristics of naturally resilient children are innate, there are steps parents can follow to foster a bounce-back attitude in their children. From failing a test in school to facing a problem at home, these techniques can help children deal with life’s ups and downs:

1. Build emotional strength: When your child expresses fear, anger, disappointment, or sadness, identify the emotion he is feeling. Convey understanding or empathy, and stay with your child until he returns to his emotional equilibrium.

2. Build problem-solving skills: Once emotions subside, identify the problem and ask your child what he or she can do to solve the problem. Validate the child’s ideas. Offer a few suggestions but don’t dominate. Encourage your child to use his or her own resources to manage the situation, even if the solutions may seem somewhat immature.

3. Develop an internal locus of control: When your child faces a hardship, don’t victimize him or her with a “poor you” approach. Instead validate the difficulty of the situation but exude confidence that he or she can figure a way out of the difficult situation.

4. Encourage your child to elicit support: When trouble arises, tell your child to ask for help from a teacher, coach, or sibling. Then take this attribute further by prompting your child to help others.

5. Support your child’s hobbies: View hobbies as a source of pride that your child can call on when part of their world seems to be falling apart. You should work toward showing interest and assisting your child to cultivate the hobby on their own terms.

6. Offer an optimistic view of life: When problems arise, recognize them but point out any silver lining in the troubled cloud. Help your child see that things will get better in time, and that life will offer many moments of happiness once again.

7. Encourage communication: Learn to listen to your children and encourage them to express their feelings and opinions. Invite them to describe a troubling situation.

In order for children to bounce back from difficult childhood situations, it’s essential for them to have a close relationship with at least one emotionally healthy adult in or outside the family. It is up to that person to help the child gain the belief that he or she has everything necessary to be successful and overcome adversity. Children who are given responsibility at home and at school learn firsthand that they are worthy and capable. If you challenge but don’t overwhelm your child, the result is good behavioral health and resiliency.

Q. My 6-year old son was shattered on receiving the news that his beloved grandfather who lived next door to us is no more. Not only were they best of friends, he was also my son’s after-school caregiver, since both my husband and I go to work. My son cries a lot these days, and I don’t know how to snap him out of this state.

A. It is always hard to explain the mysteries of life to children. But don’t let this become like a phobia for your son. Make sure he retains and cherishes all the pleasant moments he spent with grandfather. Encourage him to talk to classmates and friends about their deceased grandparents. In this way, he will gradually be able to solve the problem of who would take care of him after school, and also overcome the grief of loss in a pleasant manner.  

Midlife Euphoria Day 41

'Haste Makes Waste'!

Published in the January-February 2015 issue of Suburb Magazine

I was shocked to hear a mother bragging about the driving skills of her 14 year old. Learning to drive is no rocket science, but it necessitates a certain amount of responsibility and discipline which only comes with maturity. It is not possible or legal to speed this process as “haste makes waste.”

It is okay to overindulge children once in a while. For instance, during holidays parents tend to “overdo” with children. But a steady diet of “excess” can create a sense of entitlement and affect their ability to learn many important life skills they need to thrive as adults.

Overindulging children is giving them too much of what looks good too soon, too long. It is giving them material things or experiences that are not appropriate for their age, interests, and talents. Often it meets the adult’s needs, not the child’s.

Doing or having so much of something does active harm, preventing children from maturing and depriving them of achieving their full potential. It hinders children from performing their needed developmental tasks and from learning life lessons.

Overindulgence includes:

1. Too many toys, clothes, activities, lessons, privileges, entertainment.

2. Over-nurturing: Excessive parental attention (hovering and smothering).

3. Soft structure: No rules, too much freedom, not teaching responsibility.

Research shows that the impact of childhood overindulgence lasts well into adulthood.

Some of the life skills missing in such adults include:

1. Interpersonal and relationship skills

2. Domestic skills

3. Mental and personal health skills

4. Money and time-management skills

5. Decision-making skills.

Some of the reasons why parents overindulge their children are that they are unsure how to discipline them and fear damaging their self-esteem. But the most startling reason why parents spoil their children is because it makes them feel good!

We offer some tips to parents on how to avoid overindulging their children:

1. Ask yourself, “Am I doing this for my child, or am I really doing it for myself?”

2. Ask, “Am I doing something for my children that they really are old enough to be doing themselves?”

3. Hold children accountable for their behaviors.

4. Teach children to do age-appropriate chores and expect them to complete them.

5. Learn to turn down requests and set limits. Practice saying, “You have had enough for now.”

6. Teach children how to save and share.

7. Teach them to respect people and things.

8. Don’t overprotect your children by rescuing them from their responsibilities or by making excuses for them.

9. Spend time, rather than money on your children. Actively listen to their wants.

10. Teach them to distinguish between wants and needs.

Help your children learn to set goals, problem-solve, plan, and execute their dreams. Help them to key into the needs of other people, so that they can consider others’ perspective, show compassion and empathy, and give willingly. 

Realize that always saying “yes” renders your child fearful, angry, confused, and directionless. Your indulgence may put his life in jeopardy if he is not suitably sophisticated, worldly wise, or mature; in other words, not ready to handle the extravagance.

Denying some of your child’s whims is essential to his/her ultimate sense of security and safety.

Healthy doses of structure, limits, and expectations lead to self-reliance, high self-esteem, and a balanced relationship between parents and children – yet an extra scoop of ice cream once in a while won’t hurt!

Question: My 5 year old daughter is spending a lot of time in front of the TV. We are a joint family, and the TV is on almost the whole day. She watches all the serials that my in-laws watch, and she also hangs around when I am watching my programs. What should I do?

Answer: TV viewing takes away the time that your child needs to develop important skills like language, creativity, motor, and social skills. These skills are developed in the kids’ first two years (a critical time for brain development) through play, exploration, and conversation. Worse, it steals away time for activities that actually develop their brain, like interacting with other people and playing. A child learns a lot more efficiently from real interaction – with people and things, rather than things she sees on a video screen.

Since your daughter is 5 and goes to school, it would be a good idea for all of you to watch TV at that time, or during her nap time. Children at this age should definitely be in bed by 8.30 pm. The elders in the family can watch all their favourite shows after that.

You can have a chat with everyone and decide to restrict TV watching time for everyone. Do take your husband in confidence about this. Once everyone realizes that it is not a conspiracy against them but for the benefit of the child, all would comply.

As a mother you have the toughest job. You are the role model for your daughter. Instead of letting your child watch TV, instil in her a habit of reading. Reading has many positive effects. Inculcate the habit of reading by reading to her. It may seem difficult in the beginning, but soon you will realize that reading gives more gratification. It opens a new world where one’s imagination, creativity, and intelligence are ignited. Gradually, you will watch how your daughter will reach out for a book rather than watch TV.

Some experts, however, believe that TV is not all that bad. They believe that viewing TV can be good if it is done in moderation, and if the program being watched is selected wisely.