Zindigi
ke safar mein mil jate hain kuch log …
Humans are social animals and they thrive when they
are surrounded by people they love and who make them happy. A lot of studies have
established that our wellbeing is very closely connected to our social relationships.
In their research, ‘The five essential elements of wellbeing’, Tom Rath and Jim
Harter state that close friendships are vital to health, happiness, and even
workplace productivity.
Evidence further shows that good relationships—with
family, friends and wider communities—are important for our mental wellbeing. This
means feeling good about ourselves and the world around us. Building stronger,
wider social connections can help us feel more secure, and give us a greater
sense of purpose.
Having said this, when we are young we are tied up
like a thread on a spool with the various pressures of life, like a juggler
spinning various rings in the air, concentrating so hard lest he drops some.
Some of these virtual rings are our jobs, caring for/raising a family, and being
concerned for the elderly around us, in particular, ageing parents.
The relationships we nurture during this time are mostly
need-based. For example, colleagues, subordinates, bosses, the staff that forms
an integral part of one’s household. As a bonus, there are also friends for whom
you can squeeze some time once in a while from your demanding agenda.
However, once in your midlife, you are comparatively
unobstructed by these legitimate demands. You are as unrestricted as a baby who
bursts into peals of laughter every time you say peek-a-boo. It seems like you
have shaken off the shackles of the various burdens that were embracing you
till now. You are like a kite flying high up in the air and even if the cord
breaks you can float into unknown and mysterious realms to enjoy the excitement
of the infinite.
After my husband and I retired from active work, we
have connected with a lot of friends and family who till now had been
marginalized. I give full credit for this to our personal inclination. However,
that in itself would not have been enough without the spurt of technology and
most importantly, time on hand.
We felt that at our age, we would not be able to fit
in new friends and relationships in our ambit. We were desperately hunting down
old acquaintances with whom we had enchanted nostalgias. The euphoric idea of having
a bunch of buddies who would dart together like a flock of birds taking
fanciful flights into wonderlands whenever we desired was nipped in the bud.
Reality was a blow. It was like seeing a
beautiful Humpty Dumpty balloon deflating into a sad shrivelled piece of rubber
in front of your eyes. People who we had reminiscences with were scattered all
over the world. Distances were a constraint and hanging out loosely every now
and then, an impossibility. We considered ourselves lucky if we found a couple
of them around a 25 km radius. A 25 km ride in a four-wheel drive should
logically take about half an hour but it is more like an obstacle rally given the road
conditions. You have to be a dexterous motorist to take on the challenges that
the roads throw at you. On a double-lane road, there are four lanes and you are
assigned one like an athlete who is running a sprint. If there are potholes in
your track, there is no way you can avoid them as the choice is between
damaging the chassis of your car or changing a lane and bumping into another
vehicle, where a road rage-afflicted driver may pull out a gun to get even with
you. Your navigation ingenuity is further enhanced when it is raining. The
roads get flooded. You cannot see them. It looks as if you are manoeuvring a
boat in a river. The difference is that you are encircled by similar boats
around you. You have to keep your wits about you during times like these.
Either you go behind a car and pray that he manages to cross the water body and
you just go along. God forbid, he gets stuck in a "crater"—then you’ve just had
it. Because of the constraint explained earlier of not being able to change
lanes you are stuck by default. The consequence is the same if the car in front
packs up because of water in the carbonator or the brakes.
Unfortunately, monsoons are an annual
occurrence. Every year we talk about the poor drainage system of the roads and
promptly forget about it after the rains. As a result, despite the 100% predictability
of flooding, we do little about it.
I have experienced GPSs in the west,
wherein they tell you that you will reach your destination in approximately 12
minutes, and believe it or not, it is accurate most of the time. But in our
metropolitan cities, it is virtually impossible for any device to predict this
timeframe. The time, if specified, would have to be a range, which could be
anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours! I am not joking about this. We once left
home at 8 pm and reached a dinner at midnight! The pity is that there is no turning
back—literally—as the traffic engulfs you like a python swallowing a full
buffalo.
There goes your well planned evening
with some dear friends! Your behaviour is provoked unnaturally and you are
exasperated beyond recognition. Just the idea of forging another such evening
sends a shiver down your spine.
While in service, we were like gypsies moving from one
town to another. Most of our acquaintances were work-related people. Now after
retirement, we were going to live in our own house where we had never lived
before—that too, among total strangers and with no workforce binding us. I was
petrified just like a first-time swimmer who is thrown into the deep side of a
swimming pool without arm bands and a ring around the waist. I reconciled
myself to a solitary life marooned on an island with an unfriendly and aloof
neighbourhood.
What were we going to do? At the twilight of our
life, the prospect of a lonely, unexciting life ahead was not promising. I felt
like a bird trapped in a golden cage. All and sundry might have dismissed us as
spent-out force waiting for nirvana in the peace and quiet of our comfy house
in an upmarket neighbourhood. Realism: We felt completely liberated, high-spirited
and ready to paint the world scarlet at our own terms, at our own pace.
In fact, just the other day we were at the bank for
some trivial work. We were standing waiting for someone to attend to us when a child barely
five years of age vacated his seat for my husband. I was quite impressed till I
heard him announce to his mother grandiosely, “I offered my seat to an old
man.” I was shocked. Was he talking about my debonair, dashing and groovy guy,
my dear husband? For a five-year old, we are really OLD. But do we feel like
that? No. Honesty, I often feel I have more energy than both my daughters put
together, as I am more exuberant in planning and taking on outlandish
diversions.
But then I also remember going to my parents’ home
when the kids were small, where I would be literally horizontal. My poor aged
parents (who must be our present age) would be running around with the kids,
taking them for a walk and going to the park. They would wake up at the crack
of dawn to attend to them, as kids have this uncanny knack of getting up at an
unearthly hour.
Consequently, I assume this unbounded élan to our
superior genes. Right away, we needed a vibrant way of life to satiate this condition.
But how?
On the other hand, after a few days of wandering
around, we were pleasantly surprised to find many distinguished looking people
with grey in their hair and a bounce in their steps. The grey in the hair
didn’t seem like age alone, but the silver shone on their crown, because of the
peace in their lives and wisdom that they had amassed over the years. Most of
them were professionals from different walks of life, with rich experiences of
the world around them.
But the problem was how to approach them. It’s like
seeing a ripe mango on a branch but not being able to get it. People have a very
inflated sense of self. Very often they think that taking the first step would
be lowering one’s stature. It is like two sulking kids behind a bolted door behind
which lies a room full of candies. They need each others’ help to reach the
latch and unbolt it. They need to understand that once they unlatch the door,
both will reap élan.
We decided to take that first hesitant step. What
followed was beyond comprehension. After the first historic step, it was like
an avalanche. Many of these people were waiting to be prodded, and once the
deed was done there was no stopping. We found many common topics to discuss and
various shared activities to participate in.
The people who at one time were strangers to us are now
some of our good friends. We just need to walk from our house to reach them and
unwind as and when required. We feel closer to them than many of the
acquaintances we have known over years. We share common concerns in the
community and find solutions to solve these collectively. This also is a great
binding force.
As we get older, we have many common concerns that connect
us. The apprehension of ageing parents, settling children in their fields,
compassion for grandchildren, travel, fitness and health are some of the common
issues that find a clarification if you share them with others who are also
finding solutions for the same. It is nice to know other peoples’ point of view.
If you find a health issue difficult to accept, it is good catharsis to talk to
someone about it. You’ll be surprised by the number of people who may also be
battling with similar complaints. Some may have conquered it with exercise,
diet or some alternative medical procedure. It gives you hope to cope with your
own condition and you don’t feel victimized.
So the first fallacy that most of us live with—it is
difficult to cultivate new healthy relationships at the dusk of your life—has definitely
been proved wrong in our case. We not only have a lot of people around our
house who we feel very comfortable with, we also have a set of newfound friends
in our little hill home where we like to spend the summer. They are like relatives
with whom we celebrate everything together like a large family.
A little about this newfound family that we have
acquired in the hills: These are about 100 people who migrate to a small hamlet
in the hills every summer. The local population is not more than 50,000 people.
The only thing that binds us is our close proximity for these precious couple
of months in the summer. In the little village, there are no distractions, like
concerts, theatre, shopping, movies or fancy restaurants. By default, we keep
bumping into each other while at walks (there are only two trails) or
purchasing local groceries. Life is simple and the town is a couple of miles
away. As soon as one hears of someone planning a trip to the town, no one
hesitates to hand over their list of exotic
fares to them—cheese, coco powder, tonic water, and tomato juice to make Bloody
Marys, etc. First of all, you learn to take nothing for granted, and when you
see your coveted cheese after a fortnight of longing for it, your excitement is
almost as palpable as winning the T-20 match against Pakistan.
We are cut off from our families. The medical
facilities are minimal and as mentioned, provisions are limited. Nonetheless,
if someone has an unexpected guest or an emergency of any kind, everyone
pitches in with house help, food stuff, medicines and transport, making their
house available to accommodate the overflow of visitors. All celebrations are
common and if you have a guest, he or she is welcomed by the entire community.
This bonding is extraordinary. These were people we had not known all our lives
and just during the sunset of our lives, we have get along with them like a
house on fire.
Isn’t that incredible?
The reason is that this relationship comes without
any past baggage. We don’t want to get into each other’s life. Everyone is
savouring the moment, living in the present and valuing each minute. The
present becomes the past the next day, and we have a treasure to reminisce
about after each summer.
We are blessed to have such wonderful people in our
lives. They enrich our lives and are an inspiration to us. I feel people and
the healthy relationships that we have formed in our lives and will continue to
form are our biggest strengths and treasures. These people keep our sanity intact.
The positivity that emits from them keeps us healthy and happy. My advice to
everyone is to surround yourselves with optimistic, positive and happy people in
order to ensure a happy life.
You can find such people at any age. My personal
experience is that as you get older you are a better judge to sense such people,
and even if you have to make the first move to get acquainted, don’t restrain
yourself. You will be the benefactor in the long run.
Do not judge anyone. Start by thinking positively
about the person you meet for the first time. Bond with him at a social level. My
personal experience says that if you give constructive vibes to someone and
notice his positive behaviour, he will try to live up to your expectations and
not want to disillusion you.
This is from personal experience from my childhood.
My father was working for the government where we moved from one station to
another. On arrival to the new town, we had to make arrangements for domestic
staff like a gardener, cook, cleaner, etc. There were outhouses where the staff
lived. In one station, we found everyone with references except a gardener.
Then one was located. He was good at his work but his credentials were
doubtful. He begged my father to employ him. My father, who believes in giving
everyone a second chance, engaged him on the condition that any inappropriate
action from him would cost him his job.
After that, he was given responsibilities and we all
treated him like family. For our entire stay of 5 years in that station, he
never gave anyone any reason to reprimand him. He worked unfalteringly and
became one of the most trusted staff members of the team. He did not want to
disrupt the trust that my father had bestowed on him. This was a lesson for me
for life. If you choose to see the good in someone, the person also endeavours
to live up to your expectations. On the other hand, if you envisage negative
conduct in someone, he will display it at some point. You convey your feelings
through your body language and take satisfaction in the end saying, “I told you
so.”
It is for this reason that it is not good to judge
or label anyone on first encounter. Test and try them before forming any
opinion, and you will be surprised at the number of like-minded people you will
discover.
However, if you find someone’s behaviour obnoxious
or contrary to expectation, ease him out of your life graciously, without any
ill feelings. We cannot ascertain the reasons for his/her behaviour without
knowing the background. Don’t jump to conclusions or give unwarranted advice.
If you have the expertise, inclination or any compulsion to meet him again, then
also form an opinion after thorough investigation. There will be many other
like-minded people around you who you will take to just like fish takes to
water. This is the beauty of acquaintances—you can choose them and if
undesirable, drop them like a hot brick.
The best part about making friends at this age is
that we are not looking for a give-and-take relationship. The relationship is
simply founded on collective enjoyment, engaging in high-quality time with
people who stimulate you mentally and physically.
With family, you have no choice. You are lumped with
them as they are blood relations. One has to learn to handle them and keep
one’s interaction to the necessary limit. In this way, you can maintain a
healthy distance without getting in each other’s way. Because we have
expectations from the family, we have grudges. With friendship, it is as good
as it goes and there are no great expectations, so the relationship is not so
turbulent. In my opinion, when a blood relative becomes a friend, it is a
euphoric moment.
Besides discussing collective problems, one way to
bond is by doing things together. We have made many friends who are our walking
friends. If you play golf or bridge, you can form an instant rapport with
fellow citizens who have similar interests.
You will see how rewarding these interactions become
over the years. There is a comfort value which gives immense contentment. Most
of us have our close family members far away from where we live. Even in our
growing years, the most important source of support is our children, but most
often in times of need, they are not there—not because they don’t want to but
their working circumstances don’t allow them to be around you all the time. It
is these neighbourhood friends who become more than your family and a great
comfort during times of stress.
In the last decade, we have met excellent people who
have become an integral part of our lives. One such family is our elder
daughter’s in-laws. Ever since we met them, and now a decade later, we can say
with pride that they are a family who are also great comrades. We enjoy each
other’s company, and have taken holidays together. We admire and learn from
their strengths. They are courteous, helpful, sincere and extremely
disciplined. They are particular about their diet, exercise, routine, cleanliness,
organizational skills and above all, compassionate and excellent human beings.
We have embraced their entire extended family as ours and feel as if they are
part of ours.
The other set of excellent people who we met
recently are the in-laws of our younger daughter. Thorough professionals and
extremely busy in their fields of work, they have an indomitable spirit of
adventure and fun. In spite of being busy in their work, they find time to bond
with friends and at any given opportunity, try out serious treks that keeps their
adrenal flowing. They are a typical metropolitan family rooted in the culture
of the city, active in voicing their opinion on various social issues, and well
versed with cultural events in the city—living life to the full.
These cultured and sensitive people have given us
sons who we never had. It is always a pleasure to meet them. We enjoy their
company.
